doc

Conversation I had with the doctor this morning.

D-Why do you think you can't sleep at night?
(My head- Because all I can fucking think about is food and exercise and if I sleep then I am wasting precious time to burn calories.)
Me- I don't know,  I just don't get tired.
D-Hmm, do you think you are depressed?
(My head- fuck yes, I don't think I go a day without crying or thinking suicidal thoughts)
Me-No.
D-So you never have mood swings?
Me-No.
D- Ok then, I'm going to put you on anxiety medication...etc, etc.

You get the point I want to tell someone so bad, but I can't I will be found out and then I can never relapse again.

I don't get this I have eaten barely anything for 6 days (except in the middle I had a binge) and exercised every day and I still fucking haven't lost weight.
I need some fiber though.

I'm so boring.

Nikki
xoxo

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin
maybe six feet
ain't so far down


Love this song.

I'm feeling so week atm, went to the gym and whilst exercising my heartrate was 52 bpm...I don't think that's good.


I will do anything to be thin.

I don't think I can encourage anyone anymore. I can't help with tips, I just don't want to see anyone hurt themselves.

Get out while you can

Nikki

xoxo

Another picture for you.

If only my legs were tiny, and I had a massive gap between my thighs, and if I actually looked like this when I stood up...things might be better.

You see even people on blogger and tumblr are fake. They don't answer/reply to what you ask and I thought this was my escape from rejection...who was I kidding.

I better run off and crawl into my hole again.

Bye now

Dedication

2 hours of exercise this morning, 1 hour of it being in the rain! Pretty proud of myself.
And hopefully another hour tonight but it's outdoors with other people so if they call it off my total will only be 2 hours. Oh well still good :)
I'm going to only eat a small container of raw vegetables (cucumber,carrot & capsicum) through the day and an orange for dinner.


Nikki
xoxo

I just realised I have an intense fear of being rejected, funny thing is thats the thing that happens to me most.

I hate my family, all they do is try to entice me with food. They are doing it on purpose they want to sabotage me I know they do.

This morning I woke up to chocolates where I study, then I was studying and my dad brought over breakfast, enough for about 5 people obviously he wasn't planning to eat by himself.

It's nearly dinner time and dad has brought over more food now...spaghetti which he knows is my favourite and he is eating it in front of me saying 'yum, this is so good'. So I couldn't control myself and said something to him. I told him to stop doing that in front of me I know he is doing it on purpose. Ha take that he hasn't said a word since. I hate eating in front of people.

Ever since 'recovery' all I have been doing is trying to get away from food and I can't do it. I've developed the weirdest eating habits too...like I only eat with my fingers most of the time and I pick all my food to pieces. I was at a photo shoot the other day and they supplied sandwiches, everyone stared at me when I ate because I ate each bit separately from the lettuce then the tomato then the cold meat and I told myself I wouldn't eat the bread, but it was sitting there so then I picked at that until it was eventually gone.

Or I won't buy my own food but I will ask for a bite.
I fucking hate myself, I wish I could be skinny as skinny as I used to be that would be great.

BTW thank you for all the lovely comments on my photo, but I assure you I am not pretty, and those collarbones don't look like collarbones to me, they used to protrude more.

How I wish I had the strength.

Nikki 


xoxox

Thank you

I don't know what I would do without the girls that comment on my posts it makes me feel like I am here for something.

Massive breakdown today, I think I cried for 3 hours straight. Can't lose myself anymore need to control myself.

Here is a photo of me. Only bit you will get to see at the moment.


New day tomorrow, new start, new beginning, new me.

Love,

Nikki 
xoxo

I'm a failure, I go so good and then weekend comes and I ruin it.

Oh and I'm too scared to weigh myself. I can't get on the scales.

:(

Went to bed only 2 hours ago. Still feel so sick. I spoke to him this morning and he couldn't say anything. He cried that is what he did he cried. Maybe it would affect me if I hadn't of been through the same situation at least 3 times. I just don't think I can take him back again he is just going to do it again and I feel so worthless now. We have been together for 3 years but that's just a number. I love him so so much and he has supported me so much throughout my ed but also he was part of the reason it started I think.

I really need help. Am I doing the right thing?

I weighed in at 47.6 kg this morning, loss of 0.8 kg. Need to do better.


Nikki

I need some help?

I don't want to be here, just found out my boyfriend lied to me about something. He didn't cheat or anything but he promised me he wouldn't smoke pot.
And I asked him today if he has been cause I was suspicious... he said no and promised me, then I found out tonight he smoked tonight. Dick. What should I do? Can anyone help me?
Btw he didn't tell me he did, I found out because he left his facebook open on my computer and I saw his chat.
I can't sleep, I need to be up in 3 hours but I feel so sick in my stomach over it.

I just want to disappear away from everyone, it's getting too hard. I'm suffocating myself with all the endless thoughts..drama..problems..decisions.

I weighed in tonight at 48.6 kg. So no gain from this morning which sucks, seeing as I ate barely anything and went to the gym.

Oh and tonight on the way home in the car, I started balling my eyes out for no reason my mum was just talking to me about Uni and I was telling her how busy I am and how I don't have any time to get new shoes for myself and I just got so emotional. I hate this.
Mum wouldn't leave me alone, saying how much she cared and why can't I tell her what is wrong, why are you sad? is it something i've done? she said. I blocked it all out, something I'm good at ignoring my problems.

Point of this post...I just want to die.

Goodmorning

I went to be at 2:00am this morning work up at 4:00am, went to the gym now I am at Uni not a bit tired!
I couldn't sleep last night, I just felt so bad about myself and my body that I had to keep exercising...leg lift after leg lift, sit up after sit up.

Weight this morning was 48.6kg... so shit.
I fail in the night time, I eat minimal amounts all day then at night I don't control myself.

Nikki xoxo

Youtube

I'm watching anorexia videos on youtube, balling my eyes out like a little girl.
They make me so emotional because I feel what they are feeling and I feel like my heart/body is being torn into two. But their plea's to 'recover' and get better have no effect on me. I just want to be thin.

I want to be thin, I crave to be thin, I need to be thin.

Nikki 

xoxo

Daily Weight

Weigh in 1= 47.8 kg

Numbers slowly going down, probably because I haven't eaten very much...I just have to keep strong and not binge.

Will update later  with weigh in 2.

It's my day off today, so I'm going to go to the gym, then the library and study my butt off.
And hopefully avoid my boyfriend tonight, because I have noticed that when I see him I eat so much.

BTW guys it's nearly easter!! Chocolate.....my weakness

Nikki 
xoxo

Weigh in 2

Weighed in tonight at 48.6kg

So that's a loss of 0.6 kg.

Meh it's ok still the numbers are so high it's killing me.

I will do better

Nikki 
xoxo

Daily Weight

Weigh in 1: 49.2kg

I am so pathetic how could I go from 55 kg to 40 kg to 50 kg.

Have a good day lovelies.

Some inspiration for today

Nikki
xoxo

Ashamed

I am so ashamed, I weighed myself.
50 kg.
50 fucking fat kilos, I am disgusting.
I don't even know how it happened I haven't weighed this much in so long.
I will get to 40 kg by June I want to be 40kg.

Strict regime is in place.
Fuck it, I'd rather be alone and skinny.

It starts for real, every morning and night I will post my weight on here...for motivation.

Sorry I couldn't be inspiring to any of you that read my blog.
I will be though...one day soon.


Love Nikki


xoxo

Monday 21st March

So far, so good.

Intake

1/8 of a grapefruit
1 tea, no sugar
5 grapes
1 tablespoon cooked porridge

BTW I updated my page a bit, it's still being worked on, but if you want to know a bit more about me, check it!

:)

Nikki


xoxo

I wish I could smack so many bitches in the face.

Excuse my harshness but my hatred for the people I once called friends grows every day.

This one girl wants to borrow my clothes, yet I haven't heard from her in ages and out of the blue she messages me to borrow my pants?

Pfft she wouldn't fit in them anyway, bitch.

I'm so amped up right now, she was one of the girls who spread rumours about me, who talked about my eating disorder yet didn't try and help...see that's how pathetic she was, she knew I needed help but instead she would of rathered bitch about me losing so much weight, probably because she is overweight.

Oh and another girl, the one I thought was my best friend ditched me out of the blue. I haven't spoken to her in months.

I don't want friends, all they do is hurt me. Fuck them all, I will do this no matter how much it takes I am going to get to my goal to prove all them bitches wrong.

I don't need them, I'm happy without them.

I'm going to go well in Uni and lose weight they are my two priorities.

While all those girls drink there sorrows away, gaining kilos, losing their dignity.

I am going to be successful, skinny,beautiful...perfect.

Perfect...I like the way it sounds.

Nikki

xoxo

I just keep eating,and eating.
Before when I was upset I didn't eat and now when I am upset, eating is all I do.

Please save me from myself

"Dumb bitch"

Love it when your sister repeatedly verbally abuses, calling you a "dumb bitch"

Love it when she verbally abuses you to the point where you are in tears and wish you could jump off your balcony..if only I had the fucking guts.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.

I'm tired of living but scared of dying.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

New Week

Hello Ladies,

I've decided to set myself a series of small goals.
For this week:
1. Get to 46 kg
2. Go to the gym at least 5 times
3. Finish all my Uni assignments

I will let you know how I go.

By the way I'm not posting my weight until I am happy with the number, I am much higher than my Ultimate goal.

I want control...I mean I need control.

I saw this on a tumblr...

The next time he sees me I will be a couple of pounds lighter

and lighter
and lighter
and lighter
and lighter
until one day he won’t want to let go of me, because he’ll be to afraid I’ll float away.

I love it.



Nikki


xoxox

Things don't always work out the way we want them to.

I still feel disgustingly overweight, my stomach is massive, I have a muffin top and all my clothes are tight on me.
I feel like crying when I think about it but for some reason I can't cry anymore.
I used to be able to but not anymore, weird.

Forgive me rambling.

Today I am going to Future Music Festival, hopefully with all the walking around and no eating I will lose some weight.

Does anyone need someone they can email or anything? Or if you live in Australia..someone to text?

I g2g lovelies, ttyl



Nikki xx

Binged last night.
Fat slob.
I've been going to the gym at least once every day sometimes even twice and eating about 500 cal and still have not lost weight.
Today I had:
1/2 serving of porridge=60 cal
1/3 cup fat free yoghurt with berries= 60 cal
1 sm skim cap= 60 cal
1 fizzer= 35 cal
1 sm fig= 45 cal

Total so far= 260 cal

Need to eat less, need to exercise more.

I need to lose weight.
The depression is beginning to strike once again...rising to the surface waiting to grab a hold of me by my throat.

I don't talk nor do I want to...to anyone outside of blogger of course.



Nikki 

xx

Hello there

Daily Progress:

1 green tea
1 sm salad with 3 pieces of fetta cheese
1 sm sk cap


and it is 1:30 pm.
No dinner tonight only an apple.

and a Gym sesh! woo


I'm going to post my weight one or two times a week.

Blog you later lovelies.


xxxxxxx

:)

I guess sometimes it just takes a while to have a good day...after experiencing my first one in a while it has really inspired me to lose the weight I put back on.

Thank you to anyone who has kept on reading and I promise I will be inspiring.

I am here to support, help, talk, share with anyone who asks.

Today my intake was a total of 114 calories.
 2 green teas= 4 calories
 1 sm skim cap= 60 calories
 1 tbs yoghurt= 20 calories
 1 wheat biscuit= 30 calories

I feel so healthy, so skinny and so beautiful.

BTW I started Uni and I am loving it, it is the best distraction and there are so many skinny, pretty girls there! So it kind of motivates me too.

Always believe in yourself.

Nikki


xoxo