I'm going away...

Just to my grandmas for a few days so I can focus on studying, shes pretty cool although there will be alot of temptation there.

The past few days have been pretty hectic for me.. I fasted on Sunday, binged on Monday fasted on Tuesday, and that leaves us with today, I'm feeling pretty strong. The only thing is I went to the doctors to get anti-biotics and instead got weighed and talked to by the doctor about 'eating right'. My mum must of said something, oh and when I got home the scales were gone.. what are they trying to do to me? I'm freaking out I haven't weighed myself in 2 days but at my grandmas there is a scale it's dodgy but it will do.

I never told you my mum has bi-polar/depression. She sees a counceller/Psychiatrist every week, and when we were in the car coming back from the doctors she said to me she spoke to him about my eating habits and he wants her to bring me in. I said that I didn't need help, I am fine and just because I have lost a little bit of weight doesn't mean I have an eating disorder.


I believe my problems are mainly because of my family, they were never supportive... the other day my dad asked me why I wanted to go to Uni, because I wouldn't be able to finish it anyway.

Just shit like that, someone is always putting me down, but whatever shit happens.


Anyway this seemed like a really pointless post.

Take Care

Nikki
xoxo

I'm not inspiring

I'm failing, miserably,again, nothing different, binging, purging, crying.
I'm not anyones inspiration, I can't be, I'm a train wreck.

I'm the girl that people stay away from because I am so moody now, I never used to be-I used to be the complete opposite, happy go lucky, high on life.

I'm the girl that has to look at every single reflection of herself, even if every time she looks in that mirror or shop window she dies inside a little more.

I'm the girl who can't stop thinking about food, who spends most of her time looking at recipes, buying lollies and hiding them in her room, only to find them months later..forgotten..stale..useless...like herself.

I'm the girl with no boobs.

The girl whose legs sometimes get chafed because her fat rubs together to much.
The girl with no brain.
The girl with no soul.
The girl with no passion.

I'm just a girl, dying in my own little world.

I got a job!

Today, I went for a promotions job, and got it!
There were about 20 other applicants, so I was pretty pleased it was very nerve racking though.

That was about the only positive of the day. I binged and purged and binged and purged...yay for me. My boyfriend and I went to dinner and then had coffee and dessert after, we went home and I said I need to have a shower (purge), when I came back upstairs my mum came out and asked me why I needed to have a shower...I said I hadn't had one at all today and then bam..."I hope you didn't throw up [insert name]"
What the hell? Where did that come from? I thought her suspicions had diminished..err obviously not.
I suck at this secretive stuff, gotta work on it.

I start my HSC (which are our end of school exams) in 12 days.
I have hardly studied and I am freaking out!

I'm feeling a bit of thinspiration tonight:

"Eat to live, but don't live to eat"
Models are amazing, so perfect in every way.

Goodnight my wannabe models.

Nikki,
xoxo

I love you guys!!

I have 14 followers now :D, thank you so much Ell from http://ajourneytobones.blogspot.com/ it is to her that I owe these followers.

Well I'll let you know how I have been going, on my last week of school I let myself down a lot, we had loads of lollies and chips and chocolate and I went back up to 46 kg, but as I am writing this now I am 44 and I haven't eaten anything and it is 4pm :) Not even hungry.

I have loads of news to tell you all, as a celebration for finishing school we had a thing called a fridge to fridge, and basically everyone gets on bikes and rides to different stops and drinks at each stop then the last stop is a party. It was awesome, apart from how many calories I drank/consumed and oh the bit were a girl from my school decided to ask me if I had been eating...in front of a whole group of people..what the hell? I don't understand people if you were really going to ask me that wouldn't you pull me aside? Anyway i did the whole denial thing..'of course I have been eating', but that wasn't satisfactory for her she then asked me what I ate anyway she was just rude. I ended up walking away, I'll show you a pic of me on my fridge to fridge our theme was gangstas/gangs :) I was a blood.

Photo Removed

Stay Strong,

Nikki 

xoxo

New LW

To my surprise I have gotten down to 43.8 kg, doesn't mean I have maintained it though.
Feel like shit at the moment, I hate everyone and everything. I'm so over my boyfriend but I think it could be due to the fact I'm not eating right.

I finish school in two days forever, but then there is Uni, just another place to be criticised.

My skin is so dry, and I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing this- physically and mentally, I'm losing it.



xoxo
Nikki

regret...

I got down to 44.2kg yesterday but then I binged...3 days of fasting and I binge, fml. Shit happens I guess.

I went for a walk today and went on the bike and fasted again.

44.8 kg now and I want to cry, this whole thing is so stressful I am so sick at the moment (I have some weird chesty thing with heaps of crap caught in my throat). i've been wearing 3-4 jumpers, sitting in front of a heater and still feeling cold.
Boo hoo for me right?

Anyway, next week I finish school, then I have my HSC- definitely going to fail. By next friday I want to get to 42 kg that is my goal and I will get there, with Ana's help. She speaks to me quite a bit now, she is the reason I am not going to my friends 18th this friday, because there will be food and I will have to eat, and we don't like food do we?

xoxo


Nikki

Tonight I had my netball presentation, knowing there would be a shitload of food I drank a heap of water, and got only broccoli and a piece of ham for dinner. Then dessert came :( me= failure.
But before dessert I purged and whilst purging I heard someone come into the bathroom. I pretended to cough and sat on the toilet seat...To my dismay I heard a girl retching in the cubicle next to me. I sat still with shivers down my spine, was this someone like me?

I flushed the toilet and washed my hands quickly to try avoid her face, a young girl who must of only been 15 came out- watery eyed, pale, and frail.

When i got back to my seat I realised this girl was on the table opposite me, I carefully watched her for the rest of the night and came to the conclusion she suffered from Bulimia, she ate and disappeared several times, and each time I saw her return from the toilet- watery eyed.

It broke me a little inside, this beautiful young girl, so skinny and pretty was doing this to herself.
I promise I'm not a hypocrite, I don't know what came over me but I walked over to the girl's parents ( I saw her talking to them-so figured they were her parents) and asked them if the girl with the floral skirt was their daughter. Her father replied "yes, that's my daughter Anabelle" I asked him if I could talk to him privately. I explained to him I had heard her vomit repeatedly and he confided that he is aware that she has a disorder and was I 100% sure that it was definitely her vomiting. By the end of the conversation I was shaking- I felt guilty, proud, like a traitor. The very thing I was doing was right for me but not for someone else. I guess I just didn't want her to go through what I do.

Nikki

xoxo

Going Great

Things have been going so great for me, I couldn't get under 46 kg at one stage and now I am 45!!!!

It feels amazing, I don't think I have been this light since like 5 years ago when I was 12.
Of course I haven't reached my goal but this has given me a major confidence boost.

I think with all my weight loss, my family is starting to notice. Today my mum said to me "You better not be getting anorexia [insert name here], or you will be in big trouble!" Ummmm Big trouble???? How old am I  8 years old? She is such an idiot, why would you say that to someone if you suspected they had anorexia that would just make them even more paranoid about hiding it.
Does she not realise that half of my problems are because of her?
And this is the first of many many family issues I have.

My mum is a spoilt brat. You know those people that are hypochondriacs and they get on your nerves, she is one of them. If I say I have a headache she will say 'me too' if I say I hurt my back she will say 'yer my back has been playing up lately too' SHE ALWAYS HAS TO FUCKING INVOLVE HERSELF, IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE ABOUT HER!

fuck. Thinking about it makes me so angry.

Anyway, believe in yourself and don't listen to what others say.
Be a go-getter, if you want something go get it.


Nikki

:) :)

I am actually happy, I have stayed the same weight as I was this morning and it is night time. Nothing spectacular but it's better than a gain hopefully tomorrow I will have lost a kg...fingers crossed!

I still have no followers, but if anyone is reading this, follow my blog!




Nikki xo xo

:)

So happy today,
I've had 2 bottles of water and about half a cup of porridge, so proud of myself.

For dinner tonight I am going to have carrot sticks with salsa. Which should bring my calorie intake to only about 300 cals for the whole day.

When I am done I want to look like her.

Stay thin!

Nikki
xx