Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

It is 10:15pm and today I have eaten about 1/4 a cucumber 2 tbs pasta and a small skim coffee.

I'm feeling pretty good :)
I also did about an hour's worth of exercise.

I'm going to do this...I don't want to feel how I do when I look in the mirror and see my reflection.

 I want to be beautiful and fragile. 

Stay strong ladies, if you want it enough you will succeed no matter how out of reach your goal may seem.




Nikki


xoxo

All good things come to an end.

Didn't eat a single thing yesterday...until I decided to smoke some pot.
Stupid me, I guess I don't even need to explain, I wasn't even hungry I just couldn't help myself.

Anyway I feel really sick this morning, so I am not going to eat anything until tonight. I am going to have carrots with salsa for dinner.

I wish I had someone right beside me to do this with me, I need help.

Nikki

xx

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

I'm back, for good.


I've watched myself go from 55 kg to 43 kg and back to 47kg.

I have a new goal- 40 kg. I need to be happy not for anyone else just for myself.
I don't feel pretty, beautiful, sexy, skinny, happy, comfortable...I don't love life, I don't live life.

It's Monday the 13th December and by Christmas I will be all those things above...skinny, pretty, happy BEAUTIFUL.

No matter how much people tell me that I am those things it just makes it worse. How can you believe anyone else when you don't even think of yourself in that way?

I'm not going to let you down this time, I promise...because if I let you down one more time that means letting myself down and I don't think I can handle letting myself down again.

My Thinspiration

Is anyone there?

I've been bad, really bad.
If I told you what I've eaten, and how little exercise I have done you would be disappointed.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let you down, I really did want to lose that weight, I still do.

I still do.

You are amazing

Your comments mean so much to me but I wish I could say that I deserved them but I can't. Today all I did was eat, and eat, and eat. I keep telling myself that I won't and that tomorrow I will start over again and I do and I go great for a day or two and then something happens, and I eat and I loathe and I cry.

They say the camera makes you look bigger, I swear it doesn't...those pictures they look much better than I do in person. No one has anything to be jealous of, I am sure you are all alot skinnier than me.
See I haven't been diagnosed as 'anorexic' (which I am not complaining about).

Tonight I went to see the movie Easy A with my boyfriend, such a good movie!
We hadn't had dinner but anyway he got something from maccas and I withheld but still ate a load of chocolate. Now I'm lying in bed and have just eaten more chocolate.

I think I may have depression...I had never thought about it until my year coordinator asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was taking anything for my mood swings. I said no and she recommended me talking to the doctor. At the time I didn't accept it, but now, thinking about it, my mum has depression/bi-polar and they say stuff like that is often genetic.
I really hope it's not true. I used to be happy, I used to be satisfied, but now everything is different.
I am a different person, I am not good enough for anyone else or myself.
I strive to make people happy but it's never enough.

A little about myself, I am a passionate baker and cook, not as much so now due to my eating habits. But anyway point being, when I cook I cook to please.
But my family always seem to criticize, I guess even if it's not about cooking whatever I do there is always something wrong. They don't realise that every harsh comment that is said is a step closer to me losing any control I have now.


I'm sorry for my depressed mood, hopefully I can come back to the next post with a good attitude.

Thank you again for your lovely comments, you keep me together.

Nikki xoxo

Something for you...

I have some pictures for you guys...
It took me a few days to put them up, to stop procrastinating,being scared of what others would think, what others might say, or not say-words to harsh to enter into a comment.
But here you go.
This is me, now.

I wish my hip bones stuck out.
I wish my thighs were thin
I wish my stomach was defined
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I don't have much to say right now, except I have no scales due to my parents taking them away.

I bet I have put on weight and I don't want to be here anymore.
Life isn't as fun as I remember. But there is no going back now.
I'm stuck in this world forever.

fuck meee

I'm in bed..off my head
I had a bit of coke tonight and some happy pill shit... can't sleep, can't eat, can't drink, can't think.
Don't even know why I did it to be honest I just know I'm paying for it now its 1 am and I should be asleep but I am far from it.


[insert name here] do you really want to be obese? See what you see every day, it is fat. All fat.
Those thunder thighs and the muffin top, the fat on your arms that spreads like jelly.
What about when you sit down and your thighs touch and don't forget the cellulite

Do you remember that day on the beach and those boys called you fat and thought it was funny?
Do you remember all the times when a size 8 was too small and you had to get a size 10.
What about all the photos with you and your friends.. you were always the fat one in the group...but you still are. What are you going to do about it? Eat some more?


You can't control any aspect of your life, can you [insert name here]?
All you want is to be able to control one thing, do you really want to disappoint me?
You only have a few more kgs to go, stop being so lazy, finish something you start for once.
At least if you finish this your parents might call you a failure but at least you know you have finished it, not for anyone else but for yourself.

This one thing for yourself.

I want this for me, not for anyone else.
From today I am getting serious, I don't need scales, I don't need family, I don't need food.

I just need me and that's all stumpy chubby me.
I want to be beautiful and that's all.

Whatever it takes.

Nikki 
xoxo

Hi Ho, Hi Ho off to the doctors I go... wow I am so lame.


I've had a pretty shitty week over all.
1. I'm still fat
2. Stressed about my exams which start next thursday..which I have hardly studied for.
3. I'm broke
4. I have no scales
5. I have no motivation for exercise
6. I'm sick
7. My parents suck
The list is endless really.

I'm running out of places to hide, yesterday I stood on my balcony and looked out I felt the dizziness I get from smoking and wondered what it would be like to jump or 'mysteriously' fall. Life would be easy then I wouldn't have to worry about what I ate because ghosts don't eat. I want to be a ghost.

Ana is failing me or I am failing her, but there is always Mia one step away whispering sweet things in my ear.

Tell me, do you restrict your calorie intake? or do you try eat nothing at all?
And how many calories do you eat a day?

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Nikki
xoxo

I'm home

Miss me?

3 days is a long time isn't it :)
I need some advice A.S.A.P the doctor called and asked me to come in for blood tests tomorrow morning, I don't know if I should? Could it be something to do with my eating? What do you think I should do? Go in or avoid?

Im scareddd.
Anyway my progress has been OK I guess, nothing spectacular.
I wish I could weigh myself right now, it's killing me.

I've started smoking (cigarettes) to help avoid food, it works but I hate smoking the taste rrr.

I'm off to study,

Take Care my lovelies




Nikki
xoxo