To drink or to not?

It's Australia Day today, and everyone gets slizzard.
I don't know if I want to drink though, it is so bad for you! And usually when I'm drunk I lose my willpower and eat...Hmm

But yesterday I didn't eat anything apart from 2 stewed apples (no sugar added).
I already feel like my stomach is flatter, my hip bones and collar bones protruding more...it's crazy, the kick I get out of not eating.

Anyway I go away tomorrow!
I'm pretty anxious as the 3 people I am with all watch my eating carefully. Especially my sister she has already tried to take me to the doctors and to see a psychiatrist or some shit, I know she only is worried but it is none of her business.
My dad says that I look like an 8 year old girl now and I need to put weight, the thing is I have put 4 kg on since he said it to me first. He criticizes me so much, he never has anything good to say and it makes me feel like shit..so worthless. It makes me question my being here.
I'm going to prove it all to them, I want this for myself but I also want it for them...to prove to my family who always criticizes that their words to me, cut deep.

I think the reason I am how I am is because of them. They never made me feel beautiful, confident, loved, wanted. I was just and still am a door mat that everyone walks over.


Excuse the long post...I really got into it today.

Stay safe, follow your dreams AND never let anyone put you down!


Nikki xoxo

Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Guess what,

48.8 kg. Yep.
I have a photo shoot tomorrow and I am obese, I am a disgusting greedy guts who shoves anything and everything into her mouth.

But guess what tomorrow it starts. ABC diet.

I am not putting on any more weight.

I need you Ana, please, I don't know if I can do this on my own.

Tic Toc

Do you ever feel like your time is running out?
I'm doing nothing atm and feel so bad because I feel like all I do is waste my days.

I've lost 2 kg's though which is good, but I am nowhere near where I want to be...wherever that is I'm still yet to decide.


I'll finish with this:

"Measure in absence not presence"


Stay safe my lovelies,

Nikki xx

Merry (fucking) Christmas

1 kg to go and it's christmas. What a great way to start the morning, I've just been eating shit. I made a lot of christmas food gifts so basically I have been eating as I cook and I think I have a food baby.


I'm trying to remember what I did to be 43 kg. How I had the strength. How I could say NO. How I could lie excessively to avoid food. I'm trying to remember how I had control.


I wish the people around me would understand...I just want to be skinny, for myself not for anyone else.
I'd rather be skinny than have anything else in the world.

I've started to avoid my boyfriend because when I am with him all I do is eat excessive amounts of food.
I'm destroying myself. I know it. But I won't stop it, I can't stop it.

I just need someone that is in this with me. Someone who will listen to what I want for once.

Someone who won't take advantage of me.

1.5kg to go...4 days?

Failure..again?

I'm sorry.

Not doing too great.

I want to be 45 kg for Christmas

2kg in a week.

Wish me luck.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

It is 10:15pm and today I have eaten about 1/4 a cucumber 2 tbs pasta and a small skim coffee.

I'm feeling pretty good :)
I also did about an hour's worth of exercise.

I'm going to do this...I don't want to feel how I do when I look in the mirror and see my reflection.

 I want to be beautiful and fragile. 

Stay strong ladies, if you want it enough you will succeed no matter how out of reach your goal may seem.




Nikki


xoxo

All good things come to an end.

Didn't eat a single thing yesterday...until I decided to smoke some pot.
Stupid me, I guess I don't even need to explain, I wasn't even hungry I just couldn't help myself.

Anyway I feel really sick this morning, so I am not going to eat anything until tonight. I am going to have carrots with salsa for dinner.

I wish I had someone right beside me to do this with me, I need help.

Nikki

xx

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

I'm back, for good.


I've watched myself go from 55 kg to 43 kg and back to 47kg.

I have a new goal- 40 kg. I need to be happy not for anyone else just for myself.
I don't feel pretty, beautiful, sexy, skinny, happy, comfortable...I don't love life, I don't live life.

It's Monday the 13th December and by Christmas I will be all those things above...skinny, pretty, happy BEAUTIFUL.

No matter how much people tell me that I am those things it just makes it worse. How can you believe anyone else when you don't even think of yourself in that way?

I'm not going to let you down this time, I promise...because if I let you down one more time that means letting myself down and I don't think I can handle letting myself down again.

My Thinspiration

Is anyone there?

I've been bad, really bad.
If I told you what I've eaten, and how little exercise I have done you would be disappointed.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let you down, I really did want to lose that weight, I still do.

I still do.