I haven't been able to weigh myself for a few days..scales have gone missing again.

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me enough sometimes...maybe I'm just dramatic but I get so paranoid.
When he wants to do things with his friends, sometimes I freak out and think that he must want to do stuff with his friends because he is sick of me. It's stupid isn't it.

Anyway last night I went out for my friends 19th, got extremely drunk and got home at 5 in the morning, went to bed woke up at 9. I hope i burnt a shit load of calories last night because all the drinks would not have been good.

Weigh in tomorrow...see how I go, knowing myself I fail a lot so I'm not expecting anything.

Yuck

I'm a fucking fat failure, no matter how many times I say I will do something I can't do it.
From loosing weight, to doing uni assignments I just can't fucking focus.

I want to kill myself, my stupid fucking parents have no idea about parenting and all they do is tell me what I am doing wrong.

I hate myself, every single inch of myself is disgusting inside and out.

P.S I didn't post this for attention so no need to say don't worry it's okay, everything will work out.
I posted it to remind myself of everything that is wrong with me and my life.

Yesterday..

Yesterday I was 50.6kg in the morning, I know a gain but I haven't gone to the toilet in 2-3 days so that could be it and also I weighed myself at the gym after I had a bottle of water.
Too scared to weigh myself today, I had a bad day/night yesterday...not a binge day just eating and picking. So angry at myself.

Today, nothing but a green apple or two


Nikki
xoxo

Weight update

50.0kg exactly this morning, feeling pretty good.

I went to the gym, had no energy but pushed through it burnt 200 cal which isn't awesome but I'm happy with that.

Now to Uni, to study some more because 13 years at school wasn't enough!

49kg is looking pretty achievable at the moment...fingers crossed

Nikki 
xoxo

Weight today

50.8kg this morning, surprised after I had a massive binge.
I went to the gym, now I'm at Uni. My life is blahhhh.
Looking at all the other girls at this Uni just makes me want to kill myself...they are all literally so hot (bar a few) that it makes me that depressed.

I'm a fat blob and I better get to 49kg by Friday otherwise punishment will be reintroduced.

How did I let myself go...how did ana let me slip from her restrictive grasp.
I will be perfect, intelligent, humble, graceful, sensitive, energetic, loving, strong...I could go on and on about the things I will be but my list would never end. I have high hopes and I'll get there...eventually.

Love Nikki


xoxo

Goals..

I have one goal at the moment.. and that is to be 49kg by Friday. I know it isn't much of a weight loss but I want to start small again.

I hope to god I can do this.

Bingeee

I got down to 50 kg..not that good but still I lost two kilos in a couple of days and today I binged yup I binged. Fat fucking pig.

Did I prove you wrong?

50.4 kg, this is the way it should be.
Tomorrow I am aiming for 50 kg.
There is no better feeling than starvation.

10.4 kg to go...

It's been a while..

It's been a while and it seems like I have lost some followers.

Even though I haven't been posting, Ana is still following me but she isn't succeeding and she is getting angry and upset. I'm begging Ana please don't leave me, I need you, you are the only thing that gives me a sense of accomplishment. The only one who rewards me for my efforts.

And even though I am 51.2 kg I will not fail you once again.
As of today I want 40 kg and no more.
By the end of today I want to be 50.8kg.

boyfriend

Crying to my boyfriend telling him how unhappy I am with all the weight I have put on and that I can't lose any of it...and he tells me that "I'm fine". Fine. Fine is not how I fucking want to be, Fine is telling me I am a fat whale who does need to lose weight. I would rather be dead than be fine.

All I want to be is perfect for everyone.