Can you answer this?

Why is it that when I go to the Gym I put on weight instead of losing it. Fuck my life. I am so over this stupid shit.

Day 1

Day one of sugar-free has been OK.

I am craving it but have resisted. I am starving though today I have eaten.

Med skim cap- 80

Apple-70

Roast vegetables-150

Oats-70

Mandarin-50

Steamed vegetables-180

Total= 600 calories - 150 (exercise) 

= 450 not too bad.

Xo xo nikki

Sugar-free

I have recently been following the 'no-sugar movement' first I was against it, thinking how ridiculous to cut out sugar...even fruit! But today I'm here declaring my trial: 30 days sugar-free. 

I will still be eating SOME fruit but limiting to 5 pieces per week. 

And I will upload on here if I have any weight loss, mood changes etc.

Today I am 48.7 kg

Xo xo 

 

No moon and no sun 

Failed

The packet said 6, I took 8+8 others resulting in a heart that felt it was being stomped on and a stomach in knots.

In hospital, talking to someone from the mental health team, she says to me "I think you should see someone from the RPA they have an eating disorder team their...I will just have to check if you meet their requirements." Yes I am too fat too be admitted.

Back to counting calories.


Nikki xoxo

You can't stop me now

My numbers are going down but my anxiety levels are too high to check often. I used to weigh myself every day but now the fear or gaining sets me back, seems like the second time round a lot of things have changed.

105 pounds now and by the end of this week I want to be 100 pounds.


My favourite quote:
"You either measure in presence or absence and I measure in the latter"

Xoxo

110

triple digits, want to smash my head against a brick wall..so pathetic but it is 5 pounds less than a month ago.

In all sorts

Come on skinny love what happened here?

Why do we do this.

I hate everyone.

Old habits die hard

I've lost my appetite to eat, it doesn't feel worth it...the emptiness is satisfying enough.

Hospitalised

Hospitalised..get me out of here.

“I began to measure things in absence instead of presence.”

Feeling like a piece of shit right now.. I have all this anxiety and it's now that I can understand why people would cut..because maybe it would relieve the stress, one pain suffered to take away another.


“Bear in mind, people with eating disorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school,athletics,artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school,drop out,quit jobs,leave lovers,move,lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather,we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule,most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place.” 

No moon and no sun

I've been doing okay, I lost 1.5 kg but then went to a wedding and ruined myself again..too scared to weigh myself so I am just going to wait a few days and see if I can get back to normal.

Mum is getting suspicious again, and quite a few people have said that I need to gain weight. They are all wrong and if they think for one second that I believe there lies, I don't...I know what game they are playing and it won't work.

Thinspo:

Just looked through all my posts from the beginning..what have I done to myself from 55kg-40kg-52kg now, I'm a mess.

I still have my disordered eating habits just now I have lost a bit of control..I go back and forth between fasting and binging.

I think I'm back though for about the millionth time, I need this, really bad.

So here it is 52 kg, lonely and need to confide in Ana once again.

Thinspo for tonight....







Nikki
xoxo

Past two days:

Intake: 19th August

Skim Cappuccino- 90 calories
Rice noodles with chicken and vegetables- 350 Calories
Greek Salad-150 calories
No fat or sugar strawberry icecream- 90 calories
2 rice cakes- 70 calories

Total= 750 calories

Exercise=
 180 minutes of walking
 60 leg lifts
 40 star jumps
 40 crunches
 40 butt crunches

Intake 20th August

Skim Cappuccino - 90 calories
Hokkien noodles with chicken and vegetables- 450 calories
3 rice cakes- 100 calories
1 tbs laughing cow cheese- 40 calories
3 small chocolate biscuits= 120 calories
4 gummi bears- 30 calories

Total= 830 calories

Exercise=
 120 minutes of walking
 30 leg lifts
 40 star jumps
 50 leg lifts
 30 butt crunches

So shit.

Going away

I leave in 7 days for 3 months for a europe trip..while I am so excited I am petrified.
I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight..I am disgusting.

I will be in London and Paris and Spain and Italy and so many other awesome places that will have awesome food but hopefully because I am by myself I will be able to restrict and lose the weight that I need to.

If anyone lives in any of the above places I would love to meet some of the lovely people I used to post for.

I am also creating a new blog soon as this old one isn't me anymore I don't deserve the right to claim all the lost I weight and put back on I need to start fresh.

A pill to make you numb 
A pill to make you dumb 
A pill to make you anybody else 
But all the drugs in this world 
Won't save her from herself 

Attention parents:

Attention parents:

The constant harassing and nagging will not help the situation. I know I am pale, and I know I don’t have a ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

But do you really think you telling me that food is nutritious and I need to eat will bring me to eat? NO instead it drives me in the other direction.

Parents just don’t understand what goes through our heads…fine is not good enough and every single thing you have ever criticised me for I will remember. 

We don’t forget about the criticisms only the compliments.

fear

Way too scared to weigh myself yet...few more days and hopefully I have lost weight.

I feel like I have a bit but I haven't been eating all day and then binging and purging in the night.

My head is screwed...been with my boyfriend for 3 years and considering ending the relationship...I feel like we aren't going anywhere...but that is probably because of me because I feel like time is running out constantly.

Anxiety and clocks are my worst enemies.

We are only searching for perfection

What is so bad about that?

Back again..are you sick of hearing that yet?

I'm back once again running back to blogger and tumblr for support and motivation.
These past two weeks have been pretty full on.

I vomited up blood last night and had a nose bleed...went to the hospital and mum went mental at me.

Dropping weight.. double digits please come back I don't care about kilos I just want  double digits in lbs.. miss the days when 88 was my number.

I've done skipping and crunches and push ups and I'm going for a run as soon as I finish this.
Then I will get back and do my assignments and then make banana bread.

I'm going to the movies tonight... I'm going to make sure I prepare fruit and carrot sticks so I don't eat what my mum eats.


Nikki xoxo