Just looked through all my posts from the beginning..what have I done to myself from 55kg-40kg-52kg now, I'm a mess.

I still have my disordered eating habits just now I have lost a bit of control..I go back and forth between fasting and binging.

I think I'm back though for about the millionth time, I need this, really bad.

So here it is 52 kg, lonely and need to confide in Ana once again.

Thinspo for tonight....







Nikki
xoxo

Past two days:

Intake: 19th August

Skim Cappuccino- 90 calories
Rice noodles with chicken and vegetables- 350 Calories
Greek Salad-150 calories
No fat or sugar strawberry icecream- 90 calories
2 rice cakes- 70 calories

Total= 750 calories

Exercise=
 180 minutes of walking
 60 leg lifts
 40 star jumps
 40 crunches
 40 butt crunches

Intake 20th August

Skim Cappuccino - 90 calories
Hokkien noodles with chicken and vegetables- 450 calories
3 rice cakes- 100 calories
1 tbs laughing cow cheese- 40 calories
3 small chocolate biscuits= 120 calories
4 gummi bears- 30 calories

Total= 830 calories

Exercise=
 120 minutes of walking
 30 leg lifts
 40 star jumps
 50 leg lifts
 30 butt crunches

So shit.

Going away

I leave in 7 days for 3 months for a europe trip..while I am so excited I am petrified.
I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight..I am disgusting.

I will be in London and Paris and Spain and Italy and so many other awesome places that will have awesome food but hopefully because I am by myself I will be able to restrict and lose the weight that I need to.

If anyone lives in any of the above places I would love to meet some of the lovely people I used to post for.

I am also creating a new blog soon as this old one isn't me anymore I don't deserve the right to claim all the lost I weight and put back on I need to start fresh.

A pill to make you numb 
A pill to make you dumb 
A pill to make you anybody else 
But all the drugs in this world 
Won't save her from herself 

Attention parents:

Attention parents:

The constant harassing and nagging will not help the situation. I know I am pale, and I know I don’t have a ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

But do you really think you telling me that food is nutritious and I need to eat will bring me to eat? NO instead it drives me in the other direction.

Parents just don’t understand what goes through our heads…fine is not good enough and every single thing you have ever criticised me for I will remember. 

We don’t forget about the criticisms only the compliments.

fear

Way too scared to weigh myself yet...few more days and hopefully I have lost weight.

I feel like I have a bit but I haven't been eating all day and then binging and purging in the night.

My head is screwed...been with my boyfriend for 3 years and considering ending the relationship...I feel like we aren't going anywhere...but that is probably because of me because I feel like time is running out constantly.

Anxiety and clocks are my worst enemies.

We are only searching for perfection

What is so bad about that?

Back again..are you sick of hearing that yet?

I'm back once again running back to blogger and tumblr for support and motivation.
These past two weeks have been pretty full on.

I vomited up blood last night and had a nose bleed...went to the hospital and mum went mental at me.

Dropping weight.. double digits please come back I don't care about kilos I just want  double digits in lbs.. miss the days when 88 was my number.

I've done skipping and crunches and push ups and I'm going for a run as soon as I finish this.
Then I will get back and do my assignments and then make banana bread.

I'm going to the movies tonight... I'm going to make sure I prepare fruit and carrot sticks so I don't eat what my mum eats.


Nikki xoxo

when the bad comes with the good

dropped 4 kilos...and it all starts again.

The questioning, growing suspicions, the whispers ' don't tell me she is starving herself again'.

I can't handle it I just need to get out of this place.

It's been a while

I haven't posted lately but I guess I'm just too embarrassed to show my presence on blogger, I'm a failure and I've let everyone down...in every way imaginable.

I've let my parents down by
1. Going out too much (when I rarely go out maybe once a month)
2. Not working enough (last week I worked 64 hours)
3. Not eating enough (when clearly I have been, I'm the size of a fucking hippo)
4. Not being responsible enough ( oh that's okay I have 3 jobs, I go to University and I am currently in training to work for the 3rd largest company in the world)

I've let my boyfriend down by
1. Not being pretty enough
2. Being overweight
3. Being too lazy
4. Working too much
5. Being too temperamental

I've let my friends down by
1. Working too much
2. Not going out enough
3. Seeing my boyfriend too much
4. Being a dog

I've let bloggers down by
1. Being absent for way too long
2. Being an uncontrollable fat pig
3. Being a sad, lazy, whiny pig who doesn't do anything to help herself.


woo hoo. I fucking love life and my body and my family and my friends and I just LOVE waking up to my hippopotamus body every single day.


And that's just a few ways I have let people down.

So here I am, welcome back you fat whore.

Tomorrow, I'm going for a run and not eating anymore than 500 calories.