Did I prove you wrong?

50.4 kg, this is the way it should be.
Tomorrow I am aiming for 50 kg.
There is no better feeling than starvation.

10.4 kg to go...

It's been a while..

It's been a while and it seems like I have lost some followers.

Even though I haven't been posting, Ana is still following me but she isn't succeeding and she is getting angry and upset. I'm begging Ana please don't leave me, I need you, you are the only thing that gives me a sense of accomplishment. The only one who rewards me for my efforts.

And even though I am 51.2 kg I will not fail you once again.
As of today I want 40 kg and no more.
By the end of today I want to be 50.8kg.

boyfriend

Crying to my boyfriend telling him how unhappy I am with all the weight I have put on and that I can't lose any of it...and he tells me that "I'm fine". Fine. Fine is not how I fucking want to be, Fine is telling me I am a fat whale who does need to lose weight. I would rather be dead than be fine.

All I want to be is perfect for everyone.

On holidays

On holidays with my parents, meaning I have to eat whenever they eat. I can feel the kilos coming back on.   I don't want to weigh myself when I get back, but when I do get back I'm starting the ABC diet if anyone wants to join they are very welcome.

Love Nikki xxx

IF I wasn't such a coward I would end my life right now.
Instead I will just let everyone suffer with me because I can't do anything else about it.
I'm a selfish fat pig.

Need to get back on track, lost 2 kilos but I have 10kgs to go my GW is lower then my last.

Tomorrow I am going to have:

1/6 cup porridge with water (60 cal)
4 97% fat-free premium biscuits (100 cal)

Dinner: soup (110 cal)

First for everything...

Just took my first two laxatives ever. I've always been scared shitless don't know why but I just didn't have the balls. It tasted like shit I wanted to throw up but thin is more than anything to me now. I need it and I've been going so well. It's weird...

I don't deserve to be happy.
 I mustn't deserve to have friends, or be pretty, or smart, or motivated.
I don't deserve to be noticed..HA wait no one does anyway.
Except for the people on the street who stare at my thighs...because they are fucking fat thunder thighs.
49.4kg this morning and I didn't do anything about it today.

I hope tomorrow is better.

fuck them all

Fuck girls they are fucking bitches.
Get me the fuck out of this hell hole. Where is the nearest gun/knife/razor whatever I can get my hands on to end it.
I want to be done.

I'm sick of purging, sick of my throat being raw, sick of the endless acid, i'm just sick of this.
I look in the mirror and there I am...the person I don't want to be.
The chubby, ugly girl who looks 8 years younger than she is.

Whilst everyone around her is going out and having fun she is caving in, she was never an emotional eater but is becoming one.

I look back only just over a year ago and think how happy I was with my body. I knew I wasn't as skinny as my friends but it didn't bother me. I had personality, confidence, popularity and friends but now I have nothing except lumps of fat, dry skin, thin hair, and cellulite.

How do you deal with being the one everyone loved to the one everybody rejected.

It hurts.