On holidays with my parents, meaning I have to eat whenever they eat. I can feel the kilos coming back on. I don't want to weigh myself when I get back, but when I do get back I'm starting the ABC diet if anyone wants to join they are very welcome.
Love Nikki xxx
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
First for everything...
Just took my first two laxatives ever. I've always been scared shitless don't know why but I just didn't have the balls. It tasted like shit I wanted to throw up but thin is more than anything to me now. I need it and I've been going so well. It's weird...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I don't deserve to be happy.
I mustn't deserve to have friends, or be pretty, or smart, or motivated.
I don't deserve to be noticed..HA wait no one does anyway.
Except for the people on the street who stare at my thighs...because they are fucking fat thunder thighs.
49.4kg this morning and I didn't do anything about it today.
I hope tomorrow is better.
I mustn't deserve to have friends, or be pretty, or smart, or motivated.
I don't deserve to be noticed..HA wait no one does anyway.
Except for the people on the street who stare at my thighs...because they are fucking fat thunder thighs.
49.4kg this morning and I didn't do anything about it today.
I hope tomorrow is better.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
fuck them all
Fuck girls they are fucking bitches.
Get me the fuck out of this hell hole. Where is the nearest gun/knife/razor whatever I can get my hands on to end it.
I want to be done.
Get me the fuck out of this hell hole. Where is the nearest gun/knife/razor whatever I can get my hands on to end it.
I want to be done.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I'm sick of purging, sick of my throat being raw, sick of the endless acid, i'm just sick of this.
I look in the mirror and there I am...the person I don't want to be.
The chubby, ugly girl who looks 8 years younger than she is.
Whilst everyone around her is going out and having fun she is caving in, she was never an emotional eater but is becoming one.
I look back only just over a year ago and think how happy I was with my body. I knew I wasn't as skinny as my friends but it didn't bother me. I had personality, confidence, popularity and friends but now I have nothing except lumps of fat, dry skin, thin hair, and cellulite.
How do you deal with being the one everyone loved to the one everybody rejected.
It hurts.
I look in the mirror and there I am...the person I don't want to be.
The chubby, ugly girl who looks 8 years younger than she is.
Whilst everyone around her is going out and having fun she is caving in, she was never an emotional eater but is becoming one.
I look back only just over a year ago and think how happy I was with my body. I knew I wasn't as skinny as my friends but it didn't bother me. I had personality, confidence, popularity and friends but now I have nothing except lumps of fat, dry skin, thin hair, and cellulite.
How do you deal with being the one everyone loved to the one everybody rejected.
It hurts.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
TOMORROW
Is the day...I'm back...I'm fucking back for good.
Gym at 5:15am till 6:30am then Gloria Jeans for a coffee then to the library.
By Sunday I want to be 48 kg or under.
I know I'm that fucking heavy, I'm lost without my ED I need it, it's like my second boyfriend except it always comes first.
If anyone wants a buddy let me know..I love to chat!
xxxxxx
Gym at 5:15am till 6:30am then Gloria Jeans for a coffee then to the library.
By Sunday I want to be 48 kg or under.
I know I'm that fucking heavy, I'm lost without my ED I need it, it's like my second boyfriend except it always comes first.
If anyone wants a buddy let me know..I love to chat!
xxxxxx
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Hiatus
I'm taking a week off from blogger.
Not because I've had an epiphany and want to recover.
In this week Im going to sort my life out.
I will:
Clean my room
Catch up with my Uni work
Finish my exercise plan
Write out my eating plan for the next two weeks
Doesn't look so hard does it?
Nikki
Not because I've had an epiphany and want to recover.
In this week Im going to sort my life out.
I will:
Clean my room
Catch up with my Uni work
Finish my exercise plan
Write out my eating plan for the next two weeks
Doesn't look so hard does it?
Nikki
Saturday, April 23, 2011
bad bad place
I'm in a bad place right now.
I feel like I can't do anything anymore because I feel so anxious.
I was clothes shopping with my mum today and I got so worried about trying things on it was pathetic like I freaked out because I know how fat I am. I broke down in the change rooms and said to my mum i was so fat. I fucked up now she is going to be on my case she will watch me and my eating habits like a hawk.
I'm sorry to those I have not replied to..atm I just need my solidarity.
Love you girls
Nikki xoxo
I feel like I can't do anything anymore because I feel so anxious.
I was clothes shopping with my mum today and I got so worried about trying things on it was pathetic like I freaked out because I know how fat I am. I broke down in the change rooms and said to my mum i was so fat. I fucked up now she is going to be on my case she will watch me and my eating habits like a hawk.
I'm sorry to those I have not replied to..atm I just need my solidarity.
Love you girls
Nikki xoxo
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