To drink or to not?

It's Australia Day today, and everyone gets slizzard.
I don't know if I want to drink though, it is so bad for you! And usually when I'm drunk I lose my willpower and eat...Hmm

But yesterday I didn't eat anything apart from 2 stewed apples (no sugar added).
I already feel like my stomach is flatter, my hip bones and collar bones protruding more...it's crazy, the kick I get out of not eating.

Anyway I go away tomorrow!
I'm pretty anxious as the 3 people I am with all watch my eating carefully. Especially my sister she has already tried to take me to the doctors and to see a psychiatrist or some shit, I know she only is worried but it is none of her business.
My dad says that I look like an 8 year old girl now and I need to put weight, the thing is I have put 4 kg on since he said it to me first. He criticizes me so much, he never has anything good to say and it makes me feel like shit..so worthless. It makes me question my being here.
I'm going to prove it all to them, I want this for myself but I also want it for them...to prove to my family who always criticizes that their words to me, cut deep.

I think the reason I am how I am is because of them. They never made me feel beautiful, confident, loved, wanted. I was just and still am a door mat that everyone walks over.


Excuse the long post...I really got into it today.

Stay safe, follow your dreams AND never let anyone put you down!


Nikki xoxo

Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Guess what,

48.8 kg. Yep.
I have a photo shoot tomorrow and I am obese, I am a disgusting greedy guts who shoves anything and everything into her mouth.

But guess what tomorrow it starts. ABC diet.

I am not putting on any more weight.

I need you Ana, please, I don't know if I can do this on my own.

Tic Toc

Do you ever feel like your time is running out?
I'm doing nothing atm and feel so bad because I feel like all I do is waste my days.

I've lost 2 kg's though which is good, but I am nowhere near where I want to be...wherever that is I'm still yet to decide.


I'll finish with this:

"Measure in absence not presence"


Stay safe my lovelies,

Nikki xx