You are amazing

Your comments mean so much to me but I wish I could say that I deserved them but I can't. Today all I did was eat, and eat, and eat. I keep telling myself that I won't and that tomorrow I will start over again and I do and I go great for a day or two and then something happens, and I eat and I loathe and I cry.

They say the camera makes you look bigger, I swear it doesn't...those pictures they look much better than I do in person. No one has anything to be jealous of, I am sure you are all alot skinnier than me.
See I haven't been diagnosed as 'anorexic' (which I am not complaining about).

Tonight I went to see the movie Easy A with my boyfriend, such a good movie!
We hadn't had dinner but anyway he got something from maccas and I withheld but still ate a load of chocolate. Now I'm lying in bed and have just eaten more chocolate.

I think I may have depression...I had never thought about it until my year coordinator asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was taking anything for my mood swings. I said no and she recommended me talking to the doctor. At the time I didn't accept it, but now, thinking about it, my mum has depression/bi-polar and they say stuff like that is often genetic.
I really hope it's not true. I used to be happy, I used to be satisfied, but now everything is different.
I am a different person, I am not good enough for anyone else or myself.
I strive to make people happy but it's never enough.

A little about myself, I am a passionate baker and cook, not as much so now due to my eating habits. But anyway point being, when I cook I cook to please.
But my family always seem to criticize, I guess even if it's not about cooking whatever I do there is always something wrong. They don't realise that every harsh comment that is said is a step closer to me losing any control I have now.


I'm sorry for my depressed mood, hopefully I can come back to the next post with a good attitude.

Thank you again for your lovely comments, you keep me together.

Nikki xoxo

Something for you...

I have some pictures for you guys...
It took me a few days to put them up, to stop procrastinating,being scared of what others would think, what others might say, or not say-words to harsh to enter into a comment.
But here you go.
This is me, now.

I wish my hip bones stuck out.
I wish my thighs were thin
I wish my stomach was defined
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I don't have much to say right now, except I have no scales due to my parents taking them away.

I bet I have put on weight and I don't want to be here anymore.
Life isn't as fun as I remember. But there is no going back now.
I'm stuck in this world forever.

fuck meee

I'm in bed..off my head
I had a bit of coke tonight and some happy pill shit... can't sleep, can't eat, can't drink, can't think.
Don't even know why I did it to be honest I just know I'm paying for it now its 1 am and I should be asleep but I am far from it.


[insert name here] do you really want to be obese? See what you see every day, it is fat. All fat.
Those thunder thighs and the muffin top, the fat on your arms that spreads like jelly.
What about when you sit down and your thighs touch and don't forget the cellulite

Do you remember that day on the beach and those boys called you fat and thought it was funny?
Do you remember all the times when a size 8 was too small and you had to get a size 10.
What about all the photos with you and your friends.. you were always the fat one in the group...but you still are. What are you going to do about it? Eat some more?


You can't control any aspect of your life, can you [insert name here]?
All you want is to be able to control one thing, do you really want to disappoint me?
You only have a few more kgs to go, stop being so lazy, finish something you start for once.
At least if you finish this your parents might call you a failure but at least you know you have finished it, not for anyone else but for yourself.

This one thing for yourself.

I want this for me, not for anyone else.
From today I am getting serious, I don't need scales, I don't need family, I don't need food.

I just need me and that's all stumpy chubby me.
I want to be beautiful and that's all.

Whatever it takes.

Nikki 
xoxo

Hi Ho, Hi Ho off to the doctors I go... wow I am so lame.


I've had a pretty shitty week over all.
1. I'm still fat
2. Stressed about my exams which start next thursday..which I have hardly studied for.
3. I'm broke
4. I have no scales
5. I have no motivation for exercise
6. I'm sick
7. My parents suck
The list is endless really.

I'm running out of places to hide, yesterday I stood on my balcony and looked out I felt the dizziness I get from smoking and wondered what it would be like to jump or 'mysteriously' fall. Life would be easy then I wouldn't have to worry about what I ate because ghosts don't eat. I want to be a ghost.

Ana is failing me or I am failing her, but there is always Mia one step away whispering sweet things in my ear.

Tell me, do you restrict your calorie intake? or do you try eat nothing at all?
And how many calories do you eat a day?

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Nikki
xoxo

I'm home

Miss me?

3 days is a long time isn't it :)
I need some advice A.S.A.P the doctor called and asked me to come in for blood tests tomorrow morning, I don't know if I should? Could it be something to do with my eating? What do you think I should do? Go in or avoid?

Im scareddd.
Anyway my progress has been OK I guess, nothing spectacular.
I wish I could weigh myself right now, it's killing me.

I've started smoking (cigarettes) to help avoid food, it works but I hate smoking the taste rrr.

I'm off to study,

Take Care my lovelies




Nikki
xoxo 

I'm going away...

Just to my grandmas for a few days so I can focus on studying, shes pretty cool although there will be alot of temptation there.

The past few days have been pretty hectic for me.. I fasted on Sunday, binged on Monday fasted on Tuesday, and that leaves us with today, I'm feeling pretty strong. The only thing is I went to the doctors to get anti-biotics and instead got weighed and talked to by the doctor about 'eating right'. My mum must of said something, oh and when I got home the scales were gone.. what are they trying to do to me? I'm freaking out I haven't weighed myself in 2 days but at my grandmas there is a scale it's dodgy but it will do.

I never told you my mum has bi-polar/depression. She sees a counceller/Psychiatrist every week, and when we were in the car coming back from the doctors she said to me she spoke to him about my eating habits and he wants her to bring me in. I said that I didn't need help, I am fine and just because I have lost a little bit of weight doesn't mean I have an eating disorder.


I believe my problems are mainly because of my family, they were never supportive... the other day my dad asked me why I wanted to go to Uni, because I wouldn't be able to finish it anyway.

Just shit like that, someone is always putting me down, but whatever shit happens.


Anyway this seemed like a really pointless post.

Take Care

Nikki
xoxo

I'm not inspiring

I'm failing, miserably,again, nothing different, binging, purging, crying.
I'm not anyones inspiration, I can't be, I'm a train wreck.

I'm the girl that people stay away from because I am so moody now, I never used to be-I used to be the complete opposite, happy go lucky, high on life.

I'm the girl that has to look at every single reflection of herself, even if every time she looks in that mirror or shop window she dies inside a little more.

I'm the girl who can't stop thinking about food, who spends most of her time looking at recipes, buying lollies and hiding them in her room, only to find them months later..forgotten..stale..useless...like herself.

I'm the girl with no boobs.

The girl whose legs sometimes get chafed because her fat rubs together to much.
The girl with no brain.
The girl with no soul.
The girl with no passion.

I'm just a girl, dying in my own little world.

I got a job!

Today, I went for a promotions job, and got it!
There were about 20 other applicants, so I was pretty pleased it was very nerve racking though.

That was about the only positive of the day. I binged and purged and binged and purged...yay for me. My boyfriend and I went to dinner and then had coffee and dessert after, we went home and I said I need to have a shower (purge), when I came back upstairs my mum came out and asked me why I needed to have a shower...I said I hadn't had one at all today and then bam..."I hope you didn't throw up [insert name]"
What the hell? Where did that come from? I thought her suspicions had diminished..err obviously not.
I suck at this secretive stuff, gotta work on it.

I start my HSC (which are our end of school exams) in 12 days.
I have hardly studied and I am freaking out!

I'm feeling a bit of thinspiration tonight:

"Eat to live, but don't live to eat"
Models are amazing, so perfect in every way.

Goodnight my wannabe models.

Nikki,
xoxo