Lunch/Dinner

Today I had my first personal training session. Omg she made me cry, I was so embarassed it wasn't in a mean way she just pushed me so hard that she broke through any physical/emotional walls I had up. I'm not sure how many cals I burnt but I worked my ass off and felt so good after. I went for a walk this afternoon and my food went like this: 

Breakfast: 1/2 cup blueberries, 1/2 a chocolate protein shake

Lunch: Tuna Salad- Pictured on right :)

Dinner: Tuna Salad again, it's only 108 cals for the whole thing! and it's my own recipe :) So yummy.

Snacks:  Green tea, Black tea, 1/4 cup iceberg lettuce.

Total intake= 333 cal.

Yay.

Thinspo

This girl is beautiful.

Day 1: ABC Diet

Day 1: 500 calories or less.


It's only 7:30am but I'm still going to post. I'm sipping on a short black right now and trying to recover from the effects of laxatives. 
I never needed them before so I am going to do this the drug abuse free way- no diet pills and no laxatives.
In twenty minutes I'm going to get off of my fat arse and go do exercise but first I have to finish a stupid assignment.


Stay strong, and never ever give up- if you want something the only way you will ever get it, in this world is by doing it for yourself and working your arse off.


Quote for the day: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." Aristotle






Nikki
xoxo

Reminiscing the past...

Reminiscing the past, when I was skinny, when people actually read and commented on my blog, when I was positive.
I lost 4 kg in 2 weeks and now I cant even lose 2 kg in 2 weeks. I'm ashamed because today I ate chocolate biscuits, chocolate ice cream and tomato sauce and fat free mayonaise and prawns and I stuffed myself silly. I'm a fat blubber. Everything jiggles.
I don't have the strength to purge but I have to, I NEED to.

I need to start believing in myself again, because that is how I lose weight by encouraging myself.

I need to lose weight for myself and to get all the motherfuckers back who have ever hurt me. Which is pretty much everyone in my life. Friends are fake, sometimes I wish I could kill myself and write a note to all of them.
This is how my note would go:

Hey guys, remember me? The girl you bitched about and backstabbed, and criticised and abandoned? Yer well she is dead and guess what it's all thanks to you guys! Brownie points for you!! Thanks for the endless birthday cakes that I made every single mother fucking one of you that I was never appreciated for. Thanks for being there when I was sad. Thanks for giving me someone to talk to and most of all thanks heaps for being my friend!!
 Yep that's pretty much how it would go, I would probably add in a few specific names but yer just being a crazy bitch atm because I'm so fucking fat.

So from now on, positivity will take over me, I will lose weight and encourage myself, and buy myself pretty things (if i deserve them).

I'm thinking ABC diet starts tomorrow.

Bye bye for now.

Nikki
xoxo

Shitt

I have two weeks to lose weight so I can look good in a bikini. Except I need to lose about 10 kgs to look good. This isn't possible.  Aghhhhh, so annoyed right now if I wasn't such a fat pig I wouldn't need to lose weight except I am. But I will change that...this is how my daily schedule will go:

5:00- Wake up, get dressed in gym clothes.
5:15- Black coffee, glass of cold water.
5:30- Gym
7:00- Work/University+ One serve of fruit
12:00- Soup
4:00- Walk
5:15- 5 minutes skipping
6:00- 1 cup steamed vegetables
7:00- Uni work
9:00- Shower
9:15- Plan next day- clothes, food, books etc.
9:30- Bed.


Woo hoo my life is full of fun.

binged and purged twice.
My throat is swollen and sore...I hope it gets so swollen that I won't be able to swallow because then I can't eat.

The Black Swan

Last night I had a black swan moment.
I got into bed and was using my laptop, when I looked at my mousepad it was streaked with blood. Looked at my hands and I had a slice in my finger...don't know how it got there but it definitely wasn't a paper cut it was deep.

So strange.

Scrolling down my post...
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Wow I really scare everyone off... how depressing.

Intake

Intake


Breakfast


20 g rolled oats= 50 cal
6 pods= 130 cal
6 cups Homemade Green Iced Tea with sugar-free club squash= 20 cal 


Lunch


1/2 tuna and vege sushi roll + I picked off most of the rice= 50 cal?


Dinner (if I eat it all)


100 gm snapper, steamed= 100 cal
90 gm zucchini, grilled= 15 cal


Dessert (if I really need it)


25 gm 'no sugar added' Peter's Icecream= 30 cal
1/2 cup Low cal Jell-o= 15 cal


Total = 390 cal - 300 cal burned today
= 90 cal


 Fuck yeah bitches (sorry I had to)

But really I feel like I'm on track.

So to my parents, fuck you and your stupid fucking criticisms. I'm gonna make myself perfect because then if I am perfect you have nothing to criticise me on and if you do... I will know your just fucked in the head!

Rant over.


Love Nikki


xoxox

She's skinny, I'm fat.
She's beautiful, I'm ugly.
She has good teeth, I don't.
She has personality, I don't..anymore.
She has friends, I don't.
She has a perfect family, I sure as hell don't.
She loves her life, I hate mine.
She's HAPPY, I'm not.

Simple as that.

Intake

Went to the gym this morning...


Intake:


1 med granny smith apple (80)
4 sour worms (40?)
2 nibs of sugar free 70 % cocoa chocolate (50)
6 inch subway, ham, on wheat (250)


Total= 420 cal...way too much for me.

I miss how tiny I was :( I never accepted it then, but when you get to the point of an obese whale you accept that you were skinny then. That's all I want, skinny, because without skinny I'm not beautiful nor smart nor perfect.