I am my own worst enemy..

That is all.

It all makes sense now...

You know everyone has stories about how when they were younger they always felt fat and blah blah blah but me I didn't know how or where my eating disorder stemmed from until the other day... I was casually talking to my nanna, I'm not even sure how it started to be honest but she told me that to get me to eat she would have to get me to cook, it all seems to make sense I still have the same problem I only eat what I cook but I never realised I was like that as a kid.

Pointless post but it was so strange for me to hear..weird.

Anyway weight is shit atm restricting and not going anywhere fuck you thunder thighs.

I haven't really been posting, mainly because noone reads my blog anymore but I'm losing weight..not sure how much because I don't have scales but my hands are going blue, clothes are loose, cold 24/7, depressed 24/7, lonely 24/7.

Life is harder than death, which do I choose. I have moments where I wish I could just fuck it all off, eat normally, think normally but as soon as I get those moments the niggling voice comes back and tells me that I'm stupid and if I ever want to be pretty I have to be skinny and I run back to my unhealthy ways. Living by myself at the moment.

I can't even write right now..my mind just isn't working. I have so much anxiety and I need to do my uni work which isn't helping. I'm failing at everything, I need to be skinny, smart, pretty, beautiful, succesful, perfect, funny, witty but I'm just not what I need to be. I need perfection right now, I need it so badly.

I just want to curl into a ball and not wake up because the way things are it's all getting too much for me to handle.

Day 3: 300

Day 3: 300

Today is going to be hard I think, my grandpa's funeral.
The sadness didn't hit until 2:00am this morning, anxiety had taken over..I stood in the kitchen for 4 hours baking quiches, slices, cakes, cupcakes..anything to calm me down.
I couldn't even have a bite of anything I made..my stomach was in knots.

I am leaving in half an hour for my grandpa's funeral, I miss him already- when everyone used to give me a hard time about eating and try force me to eat he was the ONLY ONE who stuck up for me and told everyone to give me a break.

I have 300 calories to eat today and I'm trying to work out if it will be hard or not..on one hand it will be because there is going to be so much food but then you know how when your sad you get that sick can't eat feeling in your stomach.

Who knows.

Nikki xxx

Day 2: 500

Day 2: 500

I'm at 450 calories today and it's 7:25pm not too good. Although I did eat dinner- steamed veges and 1/4 cup of blueberries for dessert.

Gym soon then to bed, then to my Grandpa's funeral tomorrow.

Nikki xxx

Day 1: 500

Day 1 ABC diet: Success
Can't be bothered writing what I ate but it was roughly 450 calories- about 200 calories I burnt at the gym.

So 250 calories for today.

Bring on tomorrow.


Day 2: 500 calories.

Today I was hungry, and today I stayed hungry.

15 grams of oats with 1/3 cup water and 60 grams blueberries

1 small skim cap

Nearly gave in to buying something at Uni but then I thought to myself, how will I ever be perfect if I give in to everything that I want. Today is the day that I said No  to my stomach and Yes to perfection.

Today is the day that it changes, it's a Tuesday except I wish it was a Monday because everything has to be fresh and new but I'm allowing myself to break this rule once for my own sake of perfection. 

I will focus on this Uni assignment that is due and I will finish it and when I finish it I can eat. So to my Uni assignment I have 1300 words to go plus a bibliography. I can do it, I know I can...no food only water and green tea.

I just need to get through this 1st day of restricting to remember what it feels like to be hungry because I miss that feeling. 

I'm just rambling I know....my mind is thinking about a million different things right now.

I need perfection.

Nikki xoxo

Lunch/Dinner

Today I had my first personal training session. Omg she made me cry, I was so embarassed it wasn't in a mean way she just pushed me so hard that she broke through any physical/emotional walls I had up. I'm not sure how many cals I burnt but I worked my ass off and felt so good after. I went for a walk this afternoon and my food went like this: 

Breakfast: 1/2 cup blueberries, 1/2 a chocolate protein shake

Lunch: Tuna Salad- Pictured on right :)

Dinner: Tuna Salad again, it's only 108 cals for the whole thing! and it's my own recipe :) So yummy.

Snacks:  Green tea, Black tea, 1/4 cup iceberg lettuce.

Total intake= 333 cal.

Yay.

Thinspo

This girl is beautiful.

Day 1: ABC Diet

Day 1: 500 calories or less.


It's only 7:30am but I'm still going to post. I'm sipping on a short black right now and trying to recover from the effects of laxatives. 
I never needed them before so I am going to do this the drug abuse free way- no diet pills and no laxatives.
In twenty minutes I'm going to get off of my fat arse and go do exercise but first I have to finish a stupid assignment.


Stay strong, and never ever give up- if you want something the only way you will ever get it, in this world is by doing it for yourself and working your arse off.


Quote for the day: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." Aristotle






Nikki
xoxo

Reminiscing the past...

Reminiscing the past, when I was skinny, when people actually read and commented on my blog, when I was positive.
I lost 4 kg in 2 weeks and now I cant even lose 2 kg in 2 weeks. I'm ashamed because today I ate chocolate biscuits, chocolate ice cream and tomato sauce and fat free mayonaise and prawns and I stuffed myself silly. I'm a fat blubber. Everything jiggles.
I don't have the strength to purge but I have to, I NEED to.

I need to start believing in myself again, because that is how I lose weight by encouraging myself.

I need to lose weight for myself and to get all the motherfuckers back who have ever hurt me. Which is pretty much everyone in my life. Friends are fake, sometimes I wish I could kill myself and write a note to all of them.
This is how my note would go:

Hey guys, remember me? The girl you bitched about and backstabbed, and criticised and abandoned? Yer well she is dead and guess what it's all thanks to you guys! Brownie points for you!! Thanks for the endless birthday cakes that I made every single mother fucking one of you that I was never appreciated for. Thanks for being there when I was sad. Thanks for giving me someone to talk to and most of all thanks heaps for being my friend!!
 Yep that's pretty much how it would go, I would probably add in a few specific names but yer just being a crazy bitch atm because I'm so fucking fat.

So from now on, positivity will take over me, I will lose weight and encourage myself, and buy myself pretty things (if i deserve them).

I'm thinking ABC diet starts tomorrow.

Bye bye for now.

Nikki
xoxo

Shitt

I have two weeks to lose weight so I can look good in a bikini. Except I need to lose about 10 kgs to look good. This isn't possible.  Aghhhhh, so annoyed right now if I wasn't such a fat pig I wouldn't need to lose weight except I am. But I will change that...this is how my daily schedule will go:

5:00- Wake up, get dressed in gym clothes.
5:15- Black coffee, glass of cold water.
5:30- Gym
7:00- Work/University+ One serve of fruit
12:00- Soup
4:00- Walk
5:15- 5 minutes skipping
6:00- 1 cup steamed vegetables
7:00- Uni work
9:00- Shower
9:15- Plan next day- clothes, food, books etc.
9:30- Bed.


Woo hoo my life is full of fun.

binged and purged twice.
My throat is swollen and sore...I hope it gets so swollen that I won't be able to swallow because then I can't eat.

The Black Swan

Last night I had a black swan moment.
I got into bed and was using my laptop, when I looked at my mousepad it was streaked with blood. Looked at my hands and I had a slice in my finger...don't know how it got there but it definitely wasn't a paper cut it was deep.

So strange.

Scrolling down my post...
0 comments
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Wow I really scare everyone off... how depressing.

Intake

Intake


Breakfast


20 g rolled oats= 50 cal
6 pods= 130 cal
6 cups Homemade Green Iced Tea with sugar-free club squash= 20 cal 


Lunch


1/2 tuna and vege sushi roll + I picked off most of the rice= 50 cal?


Dinner (if I eat it all)


100 gm snapper, steamed= 100 cal
90 gm zucchini, grilled= 15 cal


Dessert (if I really need it)


25 gm 'no sugar added' Peter's Icecream= 30 cal
1/2 cup Low cal Jell-o= 15 cal


Total = 390 cal - 300 cal burned today
= 90 cal


 Fuck yeah bitches (sorry I had to)

But really I feel like I'm on track.

So to my parents, fuck you and your stupid fucking criticisms. I'm gonna make myself perfect because then if I am perfect you have nothing to criticise me on and if you do... I will know your just fucked in the head!

Rant over.


Love Nikki


xoxox

She's skinny, I'm fat.
She's beautiful, I'm ugly.
She has good teeth, I don't.
She has personality, I don't..anymore.
She has friends, I don't.
She has a perfect family, I sure as hell don't.
She loves her life, I hate mine.
She's HAPPY, I'm not.

Simple as that.

Intake

Went to the gym this morning...


Intake:


1 med granny smith apple (80)
4 sour worms (40?)
2 nibs of sugar free 70 % cocoa chocolate (50)
6 inch subway, ham, on wheat (250)


Total= 420 cal...way too much for me.

I miss how tiny I was :( I never accepted it then, but when you get to the point of an obese whale you accept that you were skinny then. That's all I want, skinny, because without skinny I'm not beautiful nor smart nor perfect.

you fat whale, still the same weight. You can't even not eat for a day anymore, what is wrong with you, you used to starve for days on end. Pathetic.

Why don't you just accept that your a failure, everyone else does.
Fat pig, ugly pig.

Can't you feel the rolls hanging over your pants. Can't you feel your thunder thighs jiggle when you walk. What about when you sit down and your fat spreads far enough to take up the entire seat.

Fat pig.

You mustn't eat, you don't deserve to.

You don't deserve anything.

Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.

I haven't been able to weigh myself for a few days..scales have gone missing again.

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me enough sometimes...maybe I'm just dramatic but I get so paranoid.
When he wants to do things with his friends, sometimes I freak out and think that he must want to do stuff with his friends because he is sick of me. It's stupid isn't it.

Anyway last night I went out for my friends 19th, got extremely drunk and got home at 5 in the morning, went to bed woke up at 9. I hope i burnt a shit load of calories last night because all the drinks would not have been good.

Weigh in tomorrow...see how I go, knowing myself I fail a lot so I'm not expecting anything.

Yuck

I'm a fucking fat failure, no matter how many times I say I will do something I can't do it.
From loosing weight, to doing uni assignments I just can't fucking focus.

I want to kill myself, my stupid fucking parents have no idea about parenting and all they do is tell me what I am doing wrong.

I hate myself, every single inch of myself is disgusting inside and out.

P.S I didn't post this for attention so no need to say don't worry it's okay, everything will work out.
I posted it to remind myself of everything that is wrong with me and my life.

Yesterday..

Yesterday I was 50.6kg in the morning, I know a gain but I haven't gone to the toilet in 2-3 days so that could be it and also I weighed myself at the gym after I had a bottle of water.
Too scared to weigh myself today, I had a bad day/night yesterday...not a binge day just eating and picking. So angry at myself.

Today, nothing but a green apple or two


Nikki
xoxo

Weight update

50.0kg exactly this morning, feeling pretty good.

I went to the gym, had no energy but pushed through it burnt 200 cal which isn't awesome but I'm happy with that.

Now to Uni, to study some more because 13 years at school wasn't enough!

49kg is looking pretty achievable at the moment...fingers crossed

Nikki 
xoxo

Weight today

50.8kg this morning, surprised after I had a massive binge.
I went to the gym, now I'm at Uni. My life is blahhhh.
Looking at all the other girls at this Uni just makes me want to kill myself...they are all literally so hot (bar a few) that it makes me that depressed.

I'm a fat blob and I better get to 49kg by Friday otherwise punishment will be reintroduced.

How did I let myself go...how did ana let me slip from her restrictive grasp.
I will be perfect, intelligent, humble, graceful, sensitive, energetic, loving, strong...I could go on and on about the things I will be but my list would never end. I have high hopes and I'll get there...eventually.

Love Nikki


xoxo

Goals..

I have one goal at the moment.. and that is to be 49kg by Friday. I know it isn't much of a weight loss but I want to start small again.

I hope to god I can do this.

Bingeee

I got down to 50 kg..not that good but still I lost two kilos in a couple of days and today I binged yup I binged. Fat fucking pig.

Did I prove you wrong?

50.4 kg, this is the way it should be.
Tomorrow I am aiming for 50 kg.
There is no better feeling than starvation.

10.4 kg to go...

It's been a while..

It's been a while and it seems like I have lost some followers.

Even though I haven't been posting, Ana is still following me but she isn't succeeding and she is getting angry and upset. I'm begging Ana please don't leave me, I need you, you are the only thing that gives me a sense of accomplishment. The only one who rewards me for my efforts.

And even though I am 51.2 kg I will not fail you once again.
As of today I want 40 kg and no more.
By the end of today I want to be 50.8kg.

boyfriend

Crying to my boyfriend telling him how unhappy I am with all the weight I have put on and that I can't lose any of it...and he tells me that "I'm fine". Fine. Fine is not how I fucking want to be, Fine is telling me I am a fat whale who does need to lose weight. I would rather be dead than be fine.

All I want to be is perfect for everyone.

On holidays

On holidays with my parents, meaning I have to eat whenever they eat. I can feel the kilos coming back on.   I don't want to weigh myself when I get back, but when I do get back I'm starting the ABC diet if anyone wants to join they are very welcome.

Love Nikki xxx

IF I wasn't such a coward I would end my life right now.
Instead I will just let everyone suffer with me because I can't do anything else about it.
I'm a selfish fat pig.

Need to get back on track, lost 2 kilos but I have 10kgs to go my GW is lower then my last.

Tomorrow I am going to have:

1/6 cup porridge with water (60 cal)
4 97% fat-free premium biscuits (100 cal)

Dinner: soup (110 cal)

First for everything...

Just took my first two laxatives ever. I've always been scared shitless don't know why but I just didn't have the balls. It tasted like shit I wanted to throw up but thin is more than anything to me now. I need it and I've been going so well. It's weird...

I don't deserve to be happy.
 I mustn't deserve to have friends, or be pretty, or smart, or motivated.
I don't deserve to be noticed..HA wait no one does anyway.
Except for the people on the street who stare at my thighs...because they are fucking fat thunder thighs.
49.4kg this morning and I didn't do anything about it today.

I hope tomorrow is better.

fuck them all

Fuck girls they are fucking bitches.
Get me the fuck out of this hell hole. Where is the nearest gun/knife/razor whatever I can get my hands on to end it.
I want to be done.

I'm sick of purging, sick of my throat being raw, sick of the endless acid, i'm just sick of this.
I look in the mirror and there I am...the person I don't want to be.
The chubby, ugly girl who looks 8 years younger than she is.

Whilst everyone around her is going out and having fun she is caving in, she was never an emotional eater but is becoming one.

I look back only just over a year ago and think how happy I was with my body. I knew I wasn't as skinny as my friends but it didn't bother me. I had personality, confidence, popularity and friends but now I have nothing except lumps of fat, dry skin, thin hair, and cellulite.

How do you deal with being the one everyone loved to the one everybody rejected.

It hurts.

TOMORROW

Is the day...I'm back...I'm fucking back for good.
Gym at 5:15am till 6:30am then Gloria Jeans for a coffee then to the library.
By Sunday I want to be 48 kg or under.
I know I'm that fucking heavy, I'm lost without my ED I need it, it's like my second boyfriend except it always comes first.

If anyone wants a buddy let me know..I love to chat!

xxxxxx

Hiatus

I'm taking a week off from blogger.
Not because I've had an epiphany and want to recover.
In this week Im going to sort my life out.

I will:

Clean my room
Catch up with my Uni work
Finish my exercise plan
Write out my eating plan for the next two weeks

Doesn't look so hard does it?


Nikki

bad bad place

I'm in a bad place right now.

I feel like I can't do anything anymore because I feel so anxious.
I was clothes shopping with my mum today and I got so worried about trying things on it was pathetic like I freaked out because I know how fat I am. I broke down in the change rooms and said to my mum i was so fat. I fucked up now she is going to be on my case she will watch me and my eating habits like a hawk.

I'm sorry to those I have not replied to..atm I just need my solidarity.

Love you girls

Nikki xoxo

Suprised?

Finally gained the courage to step on the scale...and after a week of bad bad BAD eating I didn't gain.

But i'm still overweight. 40 kg pleaseee I got there before and I'm going to do it again.

I want to look like this...her stomach O M G

Ciao for now,

Nikki xx

Mary-Kate Olsen

She is someone I look up to, she is so humble, beautiful,peaceful and she is thin.
LOVEEE

SHE IS SO GORGEOUS!

My dad said I am looking sick, I quote him "why do you want to be thin if you look sick?"
Because when I am thin enough I will be perfect and beautiful and maybe then I will feel like I'm worth something instead of feeling like a piece of shit 24/7.

I'm focused.
Love
Nikki xoxo

Fat pig

I am a complete failure.
I need to lose this weight, the rolls on my stomach, the jiggle of my thighs. It's disgusting, I am ashamed.

I will do it and when I do I will post a picture just like last time except this time I'm going to go further.

Nikki xoxo

Can't exercise..

I tore the tendon in my foot...can't exercise for 6 weeks.
KILL ME. I'm going to get fatter and fatter

Woo hoo, put on  my jeans today and they just slipped on. I can feel the bagginess, god I missed that feeling. It's the best feeling when your jeans are baggy..sad to some but joy to me.

:) Soon they will be falling off me.

I just can't wait to be my lowest weight again.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Nikki 
xoxo

self-hatred

n

a feeling of intense dislike for oneself 

doc

Conversation I had with the doctor this morning.

D-Why do you think you can't sleep at night?
(My head- Because all I can fucking think about is food and exercise and if I sleep then I am wasting precious time to burn calories.)
Me- I don't know,  I just don't get tired.
D-Hmm, do you think you are depressed?
(My head- fuck yes, I don't think I go a day without crying or thinking suicidal thoughts)
Me-No.
D-So you never have mood swings?
Me-No.
D- Ok then, I'm going to put you on anxiety medication...etc, etc.

You get the point I want to tell someone so bad, but I can't I will be found out and then I can never relapse again.

I don't get this I have eaten barely anything for 6 days (except in the middle I had a binge) and exercised every day and I still fucking haven't lost weight.
I need some fiber though.

I'm so boring.

Nikki
xoxo

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin
maybe six feet
ain't so far down


Love this song.

I'm feeling so week atm, went to the gym and whilst exercising my heartrate was 52 bpm...I don't think that's good.


I will do anything to be thin.

I don't think I can encourage anyone anymore. I can't help with tips, I just don't want to see anyone hurt themselves.

Get out while you can

Nikki

xoxo

Another picture for you.

If only my legs were tiny, and I had a massive gap between my thighs, and if I actually looked like this when I stood up...things might be better.

You see even people on blogger and tumblr are fake. They don't answer/reply to what you ask and I thought this was my escape from rejection...who was I kidding.

I better run off and crawl into my hole again.

Bye now

Dedication

2 hours of exercise this morning, 1 hour of it being in the rain! Pretty proud of myself.
And hopefully another hour tonight but it's outdoors with other people so if they call it off my total will only be 2 hours. Oh well still good :)
I'm going to only eat a small container of raw vegetables (cucumber,carrot & capsicum) through the day and an orange for dinner.


Nikki
xoxo

I just realised I have an intense fear of being rejected, funny thing is thats the thing that happens to me most.

I hate my family, all they do is try to entice me with food. They are doing it on purpose they want to sabotage me I know they do.

This morning I woke up to chocolates where I study, then I was studying and my dad brought over breakfast, enough for about 5 people obviously he wasn't planning to eat by himself.

It's nearly dinner time and dad has brought over more food now...spaghetti which he knows is my favourite and he is eating it in front of me saying 'yum, this is so good'. So I couldn't control myself and said something to him. I told him to stop doing that in front of me I know he is doing it on purpose. Ha take that he hasn't said a word since. I hate eating in front of people.

Ever since 'recovery' all I have been doing is trying to get away from food and I can't do it. I've developed the weirdest eating habits too...like I only eat with my fingers most of the time and I pick all my food to pieces. I was at a photo shoot the other day and they supplied sandwiches, everyone stared at me when I ate because I ate each bit separately from the lettuce then the tomato then the cold meat and I told myself I wouldn't eat the bread, but it was sitting there so then I picked at that until it was eventually gone.

Or I won't buy my own food but I will ask for a bite.
I fucking hate myself, I wish I could be skinny as skinny as I used to be that would be great.

BTW thank you for all the lovely comments on my photo, but I assure you I am not pretty, and those collarbones don't look like collarbones to me, they used to protrude more.

How I wish I had the strength.

Nikki 


xoxox

Thank you

I don't know what I would do without the girls that comment on my posts it makes me feel like I am here for something.

Massive breakdown today, I think I cried for 3 hours straight. Can't lose myself anymore need to control myself.

Here is a photo of me. Only bit you will get to see at the moment.


New day tomorrow, new start, new beginning, new me.

Love,

Nikki 
xoxo

I'm a failure, I go so good and then weekend comes and I ruin it.

Oh and I'm too scared to weigh myself. I can't get on the scales.

:(

Went to bed only 2 hours ago. Still feel so sick. I spoke to him this morning and he couldn't say anything. He cried that is what he did he cried. Maybe it would affect me if I hadn't of been through the same situation at least 3 times. I just don't think I can take him back again he is just going to do it again and I feel so worthless now. We have been together for 3 years but that's just a number. I love him so so much and he has supported me so much throughout my ed but also he was part of the reason it started I think.

I really need help. Am I doing the right thing?

I weighed in at 47.6 kg this morning, loss of 0.8 kg. Need to do better.


Nikki

I need some help?

I don't want to be here, just found out my boyfriend lied to me about something. He didn't cheat or anything but he promised me he wouldn't smoke pot.
And I asked him today if he has been cause I was suspicious... he said no and promised me, then I found out tonight he smoked tonight. Dick. What should I do? Can anyone help me?
Btw he didn't tell me he did, I found out because he left his facebook open on my computer and I saw his chat.
I can't sleep, I need to be up in 3 hours but I feel so sick in my stomach over it.

I just want to disappear away from everyone, it's getting too hard. I'm suffocating myself with all the endless thoughts..drama..problems..decisions.

I weighed in tonight at 48.6 kg. So no gain from this morning which sucks, seeing as I ate barely anything and went to the gym.

Oh and tonight on the way home in the car, I started balling my eyes out for no reason my mum was just talking to me about Uni and I was telling her how busy I am and how I don't have any time to get new shoes for myself and I just got so emotional. I hate this.
Mum wouldn't leave me alone, saying how much she cared and why can't I tell her what is wrong, why are you sad? is it something i've done? she said. I blocked it all out, something I'm good at ignoring my problems.

Point of this post...I just want to die.

Goodmorning

I went to be at 2:00am this morning work up at 4:00am, went to the gym now I am at Uni not a bit tired!
I couldn't sleep last night, I just felt so bad about myself and my body that I had to keep exercising...leg lift after leg lift, sit up after sit up.

Weight this morning was 48.6kg... so shit.
I fail in the night time, I eat minimal amounts all day then at night I don't control myself.

Nikki xoxo

Youtube

I'm watching anorexia videos on youtube, balling my eyes out like a little girl.
They make me so emotional because I feel what they are feeling and I feel like my heart/body is being torn into two. But their plea's to 'recover' and get better have no effect on me. I just want to be thin.

I want to be thin, I crave to be thin, I need to be thin.

Nikki 

xoxo

Daily Weight

Weigh in 1= 47.8 kg

Numbers slowly going down, probably because I haven't eaten very much...I just have to keep strong and not binge.

Will update later  with weigh in 2.

It's my day off today, so I'm going to go to the gym, then the library and study my butt off.
And hopefully avoid my boyfriend tonight, because I have noticed that when I see him I eat so much.

BTW guys it's nearly easter!! Chocolate.....my weakness

Nikki 
xoxo

Weigh in 2

Weighed in tonight at 48.6kg

So that's a loss of 0.6 kg.

Meh it's ok still the numbers are so high it's killing me.

I will do better

Nikki 
xoxo

Daily Weight

Weigh in 1: 49.2kg

I am so pathetic how could I go from 55 kg to 40 kg to 50 kg.

Have a good day lovelies.

Some inspiration for today

Nikki
xoxo

Ashamed

I am so ashamed, I weighed myself.
50 kg.
50 fucking fat kilos, I am disgusting.
I don't even know how it happened I haven't weighed this much in so long.
I will get to 40 kg by June I want to be 40kg.

Strict regime is in place.
Fuck it, I'd rather be alone and skinny.

It starts for real, every morning and night I will post my weight on here...for motivation.

Sorry I couldn't be inspiring to any of you that read my blog.
I will be though...one day soon.


Love Nikki


xoxo

Monday 21st March

So far, so good.

Intake

1/8 of a grapefruit
1 tea, no sugar
5 grapes
1 tablespoon cooked porridge

BTW I updated my page a bit, it's still being worked on, but if you want to know a bit more about me, check it!

:)

Nikki


xoxo

I wish I could smack so many bitches in the face.

Excuse my harshness but my hatred for the people I once called friends grows every day.

This one girl wants to borrow my clothes, yet I haven't heard from her in ages and out of the blue she messages me to borrow my pants?

Pfft she wouldn't fit in them anyway, bitch.

I'm so amped up right now, she was one of the girls who spread rumours about me, who talked about my eating disorder yet didn't try and help...see that's how pathetic she was, she knew I needed help but instead she would of rathered bitch about me losing so much weight, probably because she is overweight.

Oh and another girl, the one I thought was my best friend ditched me out of the blue. I haven't spoken to her in months.

I don't want friends, all they do is hurt me. Fuck them all, I will do this no matter how much it takes I am going to get to my goal to prove all them bitches wrong.

I don't need them, I'm happy without them.

I'm going to go well in Uni and lose weight they are my two priorities.

While all those girls drink there sorrows away, gaining kilos, losing their dignity.

I am going to be successful, skinny,beautiful...perfect.

Perfect...I like the way it sounds.

Nikki

xoxo

I just keep eating,and eating.
Before when I was upset I didn't eat and now when I am upset, eating is all I do.

Please save me from myself

"Dumb bitch"

Love it when your sister repeatedly verbally abuses, calling you a "dumb bitch"

Love it when she verbally abuses you to the point where you are in tears and wish you could jump off your balcony..if only I had the fucking guts.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.

I'm tired of living but scared of dying.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

New Week

Hello Ladies,

I've decided to set myself a series of small goals.
For this week:
1. Get to 46 kg
2. Go to the gym at least 5 times
3. Finish all my Uni assignments

I will let you know how I go.

By the way I'm not posting my weight until I am happy with the number, I am much higher than my Ultimate goal.

I want control...I mean I need control.

I saw this on a tumblr...

The next time he sees me I will be a couple of pounds lighter

and lighter
and lighter
and lighter
and lighter
until one day he won’t want to let go of me, because he’ll be to afraid I’ll float away.

I love it.



Nikki


xoxox

Things don't always work out the way we want them to.

I still feel disgustingly overweight, my stomach is massive, I have a muffin top and all my clothes are tight on me.
I feel like crying when I think about it but for some reason I can't cry anymore.
I used to be able to but not anymore, weird.

Forgive me rambling.

Today I am going to Future Music Festival, hopefully with all the walking around and no eating I will lose some weight.

Does anyone need someone they can email or anything? Or if you live in Australia..someone to text?

I g2g lovelies, ttyl



Nikki xx

Binged last night.
Fat slob.
I've been going to the gym at least once every day sometimes even twice and eating about 500 cal and still have not lost weight.
Today I had:
1/2 serving of porridge=60 cal
1/3 cup fat free yoghurt with berries= 60 cal
1 sm skim cap= 60 cal
1 fizzer= 35 cal
1 sm fig= 45 cal

Total so far= 260 cal

Need to eat less, need to exercise more.

I need to lose weight.
The depression is beginning to strike once again...rising to the surface waiting to grab a hold of me by my throat.

I don't talk nor do I want to...to anyone outside of blogger of course.



Nikki 

xx

Hello there

Daily Progress:

1 green tea
1 sm salad with 3 pieces of fetta cheese
1 sm sk cap


and it is 1:30 pm.
No dinner tonight only an apple.

and a Gym sesh! woo


I'm going to post my weight one or two times a week.

Blog you later lovelies.


xxxxxxx

:)

I guess sometimes it just takes a while to have a good day...after experiencing my first one in a while it has really inspired me to lose the weight I put back on.

Thank you to anyone who has kept on reading and I promise I will be inspiring.

I am here to support, help, talk, share with anyone who asks.

Today my intake was a total of 114 calories.
 2 green teas= 4 calories
 1 sm skim cap= 60 calories
 1 tbs yoghurt= 20 calories
 1 wheat biscuit= 30 calories

I feel so healthy, so skinny and so beautiful.

BTW I started Uni and I am loving it, it is the best distraction and there are so many skinny, pretty girls there! So it kind of motivates me too.

Always believe in yourself.

Nikki


xoxo

I just can't get the fat off me, it's hanging there, drooping there.
I'm so sorry.

I wish I could be as I was before.
I wish I could be as inspirational as I was having lost 13 kg.
I wish I could be 43 kg again.


My knuckles look like they are bleeding constantly, my throat raw, my eyes bloodshot, my skin dry.

From an outsiders view, they would think we are crazy...I know why but it doesn't stop me...or us.
We wish for something to save us, something to save us from the backstabbing friends, the dysfunctional families, the merciless people, the soulless world.

Thin can save us, thin will save us...Being thin will save me because I would rather be dead than be fat.


I would rather be dead than fat.
I would rather be dead than fat.
I would rather be dead than fat.
I would rather be dead than fat.
I would rather be dead than fat.
I would rather be dead than fat.
I would rather be dead than fat.

I would rather be dead than fat.

Nikki

Fuck this shit.
I am a pig, a big fat fucking pig.

Stupid girl, fat girl, ugly girl, chubby girl, short girl.
No one needs to state the obvious, I know it all too well.

The burn I feel when I see my reflection, the tightness of my chest, the feeling like I'm about to implode into myself.

Fuck my friends I don't need them, I don't need anyone.
Just me and people like me...struggling to get away from their inner demons, struggling to break free from their thick layers of skin, struggling to feel worth.


Stupid girl Nikki.  You let yourself down...once again, do you even want this? Or do you want to stay fat the rest of your life.

Solitude is bliss

Like I said...Solitude is bliss.

I'm drowning in my own bad decisions and mistakes...Whoever said your teenage years are the best years of your life must have had everything they asked for.

I'm not pretty nor am i smart or thin. My family is dysfunctional and I have no gap between my thighs.

My friends are users and backstabbers, talking shit about me behind my back...why can't they say it to my face.

I have no motivation to confront them, my motivation will be directed towards losing weight.
When I'm thin I'm happy, I have been there before..I just have to get there again.

I need someone to email, to keep me on track...any takers?


Nikki xxx

To drink or to not?

It's Australia Day today, and everyone gets slizzard.
I don't know if I want to drink though, it is so bad for you! And usually when I'm drunk I lose my willpower and eat...Hmm

But yesterday I didn't eat anything apart from 2 stewed apples (no sugar added).
I already feel like my stomach is flatter, my hip bones and collar bones protruding more...it's crazy, the kick I get out of not eating.

Anyway I go away tomorrow!
I'm pretty anxious as the 3 people I am with all watch my eating carefully. Especially my sister she has already tried to take me to the doctors and to see a psychiatrist or some shit, I know she only is worried but it is none of her business.
My dad says that I look like an 8 year old girl now and I need to put weight, the thing is I have put 4 kg on since he said it to me first. He criticizes me so much, he never has anything good to say and it makes me feel like shit..so worthless. It makes me question my being here.
I'm going to prove it all to them, I want this for myself but I also want it for them...to prove to my family who always criticizes that their words to me, cut deep.

I think the reason I am how I am is because of them. They never made me feel beautiful, confident, loved, wanted. I was just and still am a door mat that everyone walks over.


Excuse the long post...I really got into it today.

Stay safe, follow your dreams AND never let anyone put you down!


Nikki xoxo

Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Guess what,

48.8 kg. Yep.
I have a photo shoot tomorrow and I am obese, I am a disgusting greedy guts who shoves anything and everything into her mouth.

But guess what tomorrow it starts. ABC diet.

I am not putting on any more weight.

I need you Ana, please, I don't know if I can do this on my own.

Tic Toc

Do you ever feel like your time is running out?
I'm doing nothing atm and feel so bad because I feel like all I do is waste my days.

I've lost 2 kg's though which is good, but I am nowhere near where I want to be...wherever that is I'm still yet to decide.


I'll finish with this:

"Measure in absence not presence"


Stay safe my lovelies,

Nikki xx