I hate my family, all they do is try to entice me with food. They are doing it on purpose they want to sabotage me I know they do.

This morning I woke up to chocolates where I study, then I was studying and my dad brought over breakfast, enough for about 5 people obviously he wasn't planning to eat by himself.

It's nearly dinner time and dad has brought over more food now...spaghetti which he knows is my favourite and he is eating it in front of me saying 'yum, this is so good'. So I couldn't control myself and said something to him. I told him to stop doing that in front of me I know he is doing it on purpose. Ha take that he hasn't said a word since. I hate eating in front of people.

Ever since 'recovery' all I have been doing is trying to get away from food and I can't do it. I've developed the weirdest eating habits too...like I only eat with my fingers most of the time and I pick all my food to pieces. I was at a photo shoot the other day and they supplied sandwiches, everyone stared at me when I ate because I ate each bit separately from the lettuce then the tomato then the cold meat and I told myself I wouldn't eat the bread, but it was sitting there so then I picked at that until it was eventually gone.

Or I won't buy my own food but I will ask for a bite.
I fucking hate myself, I wish I could be skinny as skinny as I used to be that would be great.

BTW thank you for all the lovely comments on my photo, but I assure you I am not pretty, and those collarbones don't look like collarbones to me, they used to protrude more.

How I wish I had the strength.

Nikki 


xoxox