Merry (fucking) Christmas

1 kg to go and it's christmas. What a great way to start the morning, I've just been eating shit. I made a lot of christmas food gifts so basically I have been eating as I cook and I think I have a food baby.


I'm trying to remember what I did to be 43 kg. How I had the strength. How I could say NO. How I could lie excessively to avoid food. I'm trying to remember how I had control.


I wish the people around me would understand...I just want to be skinny, for myself not for anyone else.
I'd rather be skinny than have anything else in the world.

I've started to avoid my boyfriend because when I am with him all I do is eat excessive amounts of food.
I'm destroying myself. I know it. But I won't stop it, I can't stop it.

I just need someone that is in this with me. Someone who will listen to what I want for once.

Someone who won't take advantage of me.

1.5kg to go...4 days?

Failure..again?

I'm sorry.

Not doing too great.

I want to be 45 kg for Christmas

2kg in a week.

Wish me luck.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

It is 10:15pm and today I have eaten about 1/4 a cucumber 2 tbs pasta and a small skim coffee.

I'm feeling pretty good :)
I also did about an hour's worth of exercise.

I'm going to do this...I don't want to feel how I do when I look in the mirror and see my reflection.

 I want to be beautiful and fragile. 

Stay strong ladies, if you want it enough you will succeed no matter how out of reach your goal may seem.




Nikki


xoxo

All good things come to an end.

Didn't eat a single thing yesterday...until I decided to smoke some pot.
Stupid me, I guess I don't even need to explain, I wasn't even hungry I just couldn't help myself.

Anyway I feel really sick this morning, so I am not going to eat anything until tonight. I am going to have carrots with salsa for dinner.

I wish I had someone right beside me to do this with me, I need help.

Nikki

xx

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

I'm back, for good.


I've watched myself go from 55 kg to 43 kg and back to 47kg.

I have a new goal- 40 kg. I need to be happy not for anyone else just for myself.
I don't feel pretty, beautiful, sexy, skinny, happy, comfortable...I don't love life, I don't live life.

It's Monday the 13th December and by Christmas I will be all those things above...skinny, pretty, happy BEAUTIFUL.

No matter how much people tell me that I am those things it just makes it worse. How can you believe anyone else when you don't even think of yourself in that way?

I'm not going to let you down this time, I promise...because if I let you down one more time that means letting myself down and I don't think I can handle letting myself down again.

My Thinspiration

Is anyone there?

I've been bad, really bad.
If I told you what I've eaten, and how little exercise I have done you would be disappointed.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let you down, I really did want to lose that weight, I still do.

I still do.

You are amazing

Your comments mean so much to me but I wish I could say that I deserved them but I can't. Today all I did was eat, and eat, and eat. I keep telling myself that I won't and that tomorrow I will start over again and I do and I go great for a day or two and then something happens, and I eat and I loathe and I cry.

They say the camera makes you look bigger, I swear it doesn't...those pictures they look much better than I do in person. No one has anything to be jealous of, I am sure you are all alot skinnier than me.
See I haven't been diagnosed as 'anorexic' (which I am not complaining about).

Tonight I went to see the movie Easy A with my boyfriend, such a good movie!
We hadn't had dinner but anyway he got something from maccas and I withheld but still ate a load of chocolate. Now I'm lying in bed and have just eaten more chocolate.

I think I may have depression...I had never thought about it until my year coordinator asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was taking anything for my mood swings. I said no and she recommended me talking to the doctor. At the time I didn't accept it, but now, thinking about it, my mum has depression/bi-polar and they say stuff like that is often genetic.
I really hope it's not true. I used to be happy, I used to be satisfied, but now everything is different.
I am a different person, I am not good enough for anyone else or myself.
I strive to make people happy but it's never enough.

A little about myself, I am a passionate baker and cook, not as much so now due to my eating habits. But anyway point being, when I cook I cook to please.
But my family always seem to criticize, I guess even if it's not about cooking whatever I do there is always something wrong. They don't realise that every harsh comment that is said is a step closer to me losing any control I have now.


I'm sorry for my depressed mood, hopefully I can come back to the next post with a good attitude.

Thank you again for your lovely comments, you keep me together.

Nikki xoxo

Something for you...

I have some pictures for you guys...
It took me a few days to put them up, to stop procrastinating,being scared of what others would think, what others might say, or not say-words to harsh to enter into a comment.
But here you go.
This is me, now.

I wish my hip bones stuck out.
I wish my thighs were thin
I wish my stomach was defined
I wish, I wish, I wish.

I don't have much to say right now, except I have no scales due to my parents taking them away.

I bet I have put on weight and I don't want to be here anymore.
Life isn't as fun as I remember. But there is no going back now.
I'm stuck in this world forever.

fuck meee

I'm in bed..off my head
I had a bit of coke tonight and some happy pill shit... can't sleep, can't eat, can't drink, can't think.
Don't even know why I did it to be honest I just know I'm paying for it now its 1 am and I should be asleep but I am far from it.


[insert name here] do you really want to be obese? See what you see every day, it is fat. All fat.
Those thunder thighs and the muffin top, the fat on your arms that spreads like jelly.
What about when you sit down and your thighs touch and don't forget the cellulite

Do you remember that day on the beach and those boys called you fat and thought it was funny?
Do you remember all the times when a size 8 was too small and you had to get a size 10.
What about all the photos with you and your friends.. you were always the fat one in the group...but you still are. What are you going to do about it? Eat some more?


You can't control any aspect of your life, can you [insert name here]?
All you want is to be able to control one thing, do you really want to disappoint me?
You only have a few more kgs to go, stop being so lazy, finish something you start for once.
At least if you finish this your parents might call you a failure but at least you know you have finished it, not for anyone else but for yourself.

This one thing for yourself.

I want this for me, not for anyone else.
From today I am getting serious, I don't need scales, I don't need family, I don't need food.

I just need me and that's all stumpy chubby me.
I want to be beautiful and that's all.

Whatever it takes.

Nikki 
xoxo

Hi Ho, Hi Ho off to the doctors I go... wow I am so lame.


I've had a pretty shitty week over all.
1. I'm still fat
2. Stressed about my exams which start next thursday..which I have hardly studied for.
3. I'm broke
4. I have no scales
5. I have no motivation for exercise
6. I'm sick
7. My parents suck
The list is endless really.

I'm running out of places to hide, yesterday I stood on my balcony and looked out I felt the dizziness I get from smoking and wondered what it would be like to jump or 'mysteriously' fall. Life would be easy then I wouldn't have to worry about what I ate because ghosts don't eat. I want to be a ghost.

Ana is failing me or I am failing her, but there is always Mia one step away whispering sweet things in my ear.

Tell me, do you restrict your calorie intake? or do you try eat nothing at all?
And how many calories do you eat a day?

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Nikki
xoxo

I'm home

Miss me?

3 days is a long time isn't it :)
I need some advice A.S.A.P the doctor called and asked me to come in for blood tests tomorrow morning, I don't know if I should? Could it be something to do with my eating? What do you think I should do? Go in or avoid?

Im scareddd.
Anyway my progress has been OK I guess, nothing spectacular.
I wish I could weigh myself right now, it's killing me.

I've started smoking (cigarettes) to help avoid food, it works but I hate smoking the taste rrr.

I'm off to study,

Take Care my lovelies




Nikki
xoxo 

I'm going away...

Just to my grandmas for a few days so I can focus on studying, shes pretty cool although there will be alot of temptation there.

The past few days have been pretty hectic for me.. I fasted on Sunday, binged on Monday fasted on Tuesday, and that leaves us with today, I'm feeling pretty strong. The only thing is I went to the doctors to get anti-biotics and instead got weighed and talked to by the doctor about 'eating right'. My mum must of said something, oh and when I got home the scales were gone.. what are they trying to do to me? I'm freaking out I haven't weighed myself in 2 days but at my grandmas there is a scale it's dodgy but it will do.

I never told you my mum has bi-polar/depression. She sees a counceller/Psychiatrist every week, and when we were in the car coming back from the doctors she said to me she spoke to him about my eating habits and he wants her to bring me in. I said that I didn't need help, I am fine and just because I have lost a little bit of weight doesn't mean I have an eating disorder.


I believe my problems are mainly because of my family, they were never supportive... the other day my dad asked me why I wanted to go to Uni, because I wouldn't be able to finish it anyway.

Just shit like that, someone is always putting me down, but whatever shit happens.


Anyway this seemed like a really pointless post.

Take Care

Nikki
xoxo

I'm not inspiring

I'm failing, miserably,again, nothing different, binging, purging, crying.
I'm not anyones inspiration, I can't be, I'm a train wreck.

I'm the girl that people stay away from because I am so moody now, I never used to be-I used to be the complete opposite, happy go lucky, high on life.

I'm the girl that has to look at every single reflection of herself, even if every time she looks in that mirror or shop window she dies inside a little more.

I'm the girl who can't stop thinking about food, who spends most of her time looking at recipes, buying lollies and hiding them in her room, only to find them months later..forgotten..stale..useless...like herself.

I'm the girl with no boobs.

The girl whose legs sometimes get chafed because her fat rubs together to much.
The girl with no brain.
The girl with no soul.
The girl with no passion.

I'm just a girl, dying in my own little world.

I got a job!

Today, I went for a promotions job, and got it!
There were about 20 other applicants, so I was pretty pleased it was very nerve racking though.

That was about the only positive of the day. I binged and purged and binged and purged...yay for me. My boyfriend and I went to dinner and then had coffee and dessert after, we went home and I said I need to have a shower (purge), when I came back upstairs my mum came out and asked me why I needed to have a shower...I said I hadn't had one at all today and then bam..."I hope you didn't throw up [insert name]"
What the hell? Where did that come from? I thought her suspicions had diminished..err obviously not.
I suck at this secretive stuff, gotta work on it.

I start my HSC (which are our end of school exams) in 12 days.
I have hardly studied and I am freaking out!

I'm feeling a bit of thinspiration tonight:

"Eat to live, but don't live to eat"
Models are amazing, so perfect in every way.

Goodnight my wannabe models.

Nikki,
xoxo

I love you guys!!

I have 14 followers now :D, thank you so much Ell from http://ajourneytobones.blogspot.com/ it is to her that I owe these followers.

Well I'll let you know how I have been going, on my last week of school I let myself down a lot, we had loads of lollies and chips and chocolate and I went back up to 46 kg, but as I am writing this now I am 44 and I haven't eaten anything and it is 4pm :) Not even hungry.

I have loads of news to tell you all, as a celebration for finishing school we had a thing called a fridge to fridge, and basically everyone gets on bikes and rides to different stops and drinks at each stop then the last stop is a party. It was awesome, apart from how many calories I drank/consumed and oh the bit were a girl from my school decided to ask me if I had been eating...in front of a whole group of people..what the hell? I don't understand people if you were really going to ask me that wouldn't you pull me aside? Anyway i did the whole denial thing..'of course I have been eating', but that wasn't satisfactory for her she then asked me what I ate anyway she was just rude. I ended up walking away, I'll show you a pic of me on my fridge to fridge our theme was gangstas/gangs :) I was a blood.

Photo Removed

Stay Strong,

Nikki 

xoxo

New LW

To my surprise I have gotten down to 43.8 kg, doesn't mean I have maintained it though.
Feel like shit at the moment, I hate everyone and everything. I'm so over my boyfriend but I think it could be due to the fact I'm not eating right.

I finish school in two days forever, but then there is Uni, just another place to be criticised.

My skin is so dry, and I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing this- physically and mentally, I'm losing it.



xoxo
Nikki

regret...

I got down to 44.2kg yesterday but then I binged...3 days of fasting and I binge, fml. Shit happens I guess.

I went for a walk today and went on the bike and fasted again.

44.8 kg now and I want to cry, this whole thing is so stressful I am so sick at the moment (I have some weird chesty thing with heaps of crap caught in my throat). i've been wearing 3-4 jumpers, sitting in front of a heater and still feeling cold.
Boo hoo for me right?

Anyway, next week I finish school, then I have my HSC- definitely going to fail. By next friday I want to get to 42 kg that is my goal and I will get there, with Ana's help. She speaks to me quite a bit now, she is the reason I am not going to my friends 18th this friday, because there will be food and I will have to eat, and we don't like food do we?

xoxo


Nikki

Tonight I had my netball presentation, knowing there would be a shitload of food I drank a heap of water, and got only broccoli and a piece of ham for dinner. Then dessert came :( me= failure.
But before dessert I purged and whilst purging I heard someone come into the bathroom. I pretended to cough and sat on the toilet seat...To my dismay I heard a girl retching in the cubicle next to me. I sat still with shivers down my spine, was this someone like me?

I flushed the toilet and washed my hands quickly to try avoid her face, a young girl who must of only been 15 came out- watery eyed, pale, and frail.

When i got back to my seat I realised this girl was on the table opposite me, I carefully watched her for the rest of the night and came to the conclusion she suffered from Bulimia, she ate and disappeared several times, and each time I saw her return from the toilet- watery eyed.

It broke me a little inside, this beautiful young girl, so skinny and pretty was doing this to herself.
I promise I'm not a hypocrite, I don't know what came over me but I walked over to the girl's parents ( I saw her talking to them-so figured they were her parents) and asked them if the girl with the floral skirt was their daughter. Her father replied "yes, that's my daughter Anabelle" I asked him if I could talk to him privately. I explained to him I had heard her vomit repeatedly and he confided that he is aware that she has a disorder and was I 100% sure that it was definitely her vomiting. By the end of the conversation I was shaking- I felt guilty, proud, like a traitor. The very thing I was doing was right for me but not for someone else. I guess I just didn't want her to go through what I do.

Nikki

xoxo

Going Great

Things have been going so great for me, I couldn't get under 46 kg at one stage and now I am 45!!!!

It feels amazing, I don't think I have been this light since like 5 years ago when I was 12.
Of course I haven't reached my goal but this has given me a major confidence boost.

I think with all my weight loss, my family is starting to notice. Today my mum said to me "You better not be getting anorexia [insert name here], or you will be in big trouble!" Ummmm Big trouble???? How old am I  8 years old? She is such an idiot, why would you say that to someone if you suspected they had anorexia that would just make them even more paranoid about hiding it.
Does she not realise that half of my problems are because of her?
And this is the first of many many family issues I have.

My mum is a spoilt brat. You know those people that are hypochondriacs and they get on your nerves, she is one of them. If I say I have a headache she will say 'me too' if I say I hurt my back she will say 'yer my back has been playing up lately too' SHE ALWAYS HAS TO FUCKING INVOLVE HERSELF, IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE ABOUT HER!

fuck. Thinking about it makes me so angry.

Anyway, believe in yourself and don't listen to what others say.
Be a go-getter, if you want something go get it.


Nikki

:) :)

I am actually happy, I have stayed the same weight as I was this morning and it is night time. Nothing spectacular but it's better than a gain hopefully tomorrow I will have lost a kg...fingers crossed!

I still have no followers, but if anyone is reading this, follow my blog!




Nikki xo xo

:)

So happy today,
I've had 2 bottles of water and about half a cup of porridge, so proud of myself.

For dinner tonight I am going to have carrot sticks with salsa. Which should bring my calorie intake to only about 300 cals for the whole day.

When I am done I want to look like her.

Stay thin!

Nikki
xx

I don't know why but I swear when I do exercise I put on weight and when I don't I lose it.

Tonight I weighed myself and I was 49kg..what the fuckkkk, probaly because my dad forced me to eat dinner (chinese) and said that I'm developing a 'mental illness'. I got freaked out and denied but had to prove that I did eat. Which ruined my whole day. All I had was half a piece of wholemeal bread and a poached egg.

My 40 kg goal is looking so out of reach atm, I'm so depressed and whilst sitting here typing I can feel my stomach rolls bulging over my pants. I want to vomit just at the thought of it...not to mention how sick I feel from all the dinner I ate.

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am

Nikki

xx

Failure

I binged, after eating healthy all day, I fucking binged. Got into the shower and purged, I had pins and needles but it felt good at least I liked something about myself.

I got a thrill out of the dizziness when I tried to get up and realised what I had been missing the past few days.

So after failing miserably the past few days, I think I'm really ready this time, I'm ready to bring back the old me the skinny me the NEW me.

THIS IS ME NOW


Disgusting really isn't it.
How someone can let themselves go.

I got called 'disgustingly skinny' by one of my friends..thing is she is skinnier than me..I am just disgustingly fat.

So far so good.

So far so good, it's only the morning but I have been pretty healthy :)

I went for a 20 minute run, yes I know not a long time but it was better than nothing. I had a small bowl of porridge with some frozen berries and a green tea for breakfast.

For school today I have some low cal jelly (14 calories) and about half a cup of low cal soup (50 cals) and maybe if I want to treat myself I will get a skim cappuccino :)

Planning to go for another run this afternoon and then only eat 100 calories tonight, totalling about 400  calories for today.

I wish I could get lower than 400 cal.

Tell me dear reader, how many calories do you aim for a day?


Nikki xx

hate.

Today I was meant to be fasting what a joke that was. Last night I got completely trashed at my friends 18th went to McDonalds at 3am got a chicken burger and shoved it all in my mouth then went to bed. Woke up feeling like crap but still didn't stop me from eating.

Tomorrow I will start my fast just for a day, and I'm about to go do some exercise which I am in great need of.

Be back soon


Nikki xx

Day 1: Of my blog at least

It is 12:15am, Sydney, Australia.

Sleeping seems to be the last thing on my mind but 'thin' is the first. I've contemplated whether it's worth it...and every time there is only one clear, concise answer to my problem.
I don't need food, I don't need friends, all I need is Ana- she is enough for me. 




Take my hand my lovelies, I will inspire you all.

Nikki