I love you guys!!

I have 14 followers now :D, thank you so much Ell from http://ajourneytobones.blogspot.com/ it is to her that I owe these followers.

Well I'll let you know how I have been going, on my last week of school I let myself down a lot, we had loads of lollies and chips and chocolate and I went back up to 46 kg, but as I am writing this now I am 44 and I haven't eaten anything and it is 4pm :) Not even hungry.

I have loads of news to tell you all, as a celebration for finishing school we had a thing called a fridge to fridge, and basically everyone gets on bikes and rides to different stops and drinks at each stop then the last stop is a party. It was awesome, apart from how many calories I drank/consumed and oh the bit were a girl from my school decided to ask me if I had been eating...in front of a whole group of people..what the hell? I don't understand people if you were really going to ask me that wouldn't you pull me aside? Anyway i did the whole denial thing..'of course I have been eating', but that wasn't satisfactory for her she then asked me what I ate anyway she was just rude. I ended up walking away, I'll show you a pic of me on my fridge to fridge our theme was gangstas/gangs :) I was a blood.

Photo Removed

Stay Strong,

Nikki 

xoxo

New LW

To my surprise I have gotten down to 43.8 kg, doesn't mean I have maintained it though.
Feel like shit at the moment, I hate everyone and everything. I'm so over my boyfriend but I think it could be due to the fact I'm not eating right.

I finish school in two days forever, but then there is Uni, just another place to be criticised.

My skin is so dry, and I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing this- physically and mentally, I'm losing it.



xoxo
Nikki

regret...

I got down to 44.2kg yesterday but then I binged...3 days of fasting and I binge, fml. Shit happens I guess.

I went for a walk today and went on the bike and fasted again.

44.8 kg now and I want to cry, this whole thing is so stressful I am so sick at the moment (I have some weird chesty thing with heaps of crap caught in my throat). i've been wearing 3-4 jumpers, sitting in front of a heater and still feeling cold.
Boo hoo for me right?

Anyway, next week I finish school, then I have my HSC- definitely going to fail. By next friday I want to get to 42 kg that is my goal and I will get there, with Ana's help. She speaks to me quite a bit now, she is the reason I am not going to my friends 18th this friday, because there will be food and I will have to eat, and we don't like food do we?

xoxo


Nikki

Tonight I had my netball presentation, knowing there would be a shitload of food I drank a heap of water, and got only broccoli and a piece of ham for dinner. Then dessert came :( me= failure.
But before dessert I purged and whilst purging I heard someone come into the bathroom. I pretended to cough and sat on the toilet seat...To my dismay I heard a girl retching in the cubicle next to me. I sat still with shivers down my spine, was this someone like me?

I flushed the toilet and washed my hands quickly to try avoid her face, a young girl who must of only been 15 came out- watery eyed, pale, and frail.

When i got back to my seat I realised this girl was on the table opposite me, I carefully watched her for the rest of the night and came to the conclusion she suffered from Bulimia, she ate and disappeared several times, and each time I saw her return from the toilet- watery eyed.

It broke me a little inside, this beautiful young girl, so skinny and pretty was doing this to herself.
I promise I'm not a hypocrite, I don't know what came over me but I walked over to the girl's parents ( I saw her talking to them-so figured they were her parents) and asked them if the girl with the floral skirt was their daughter. Her father replied "yes, that's my daughter Anabelle" I asked him if I could talk to him privately. I explained to him I had heard her vomit repeatedly and he confided that he is aware that she has a disorder and was I 100% sure that it was definitely her vomiting. By the end of the conversation I was shaking- I felt guilty, proud, like a traitor. The very thing I was doing was right for me but not for someone else. I guess I just didn't want her to go through what I do.

Nikki

xoxo

Going Great

Things have been going so great for me, I couldn't get under 46 kg at one stage and now I am 45!!!!

It feels amazing, I don't think I have been this light since like 5 years ago when I was 12.
Of course I haven't reached my goal but this has given me a major confidence boost.

I think with all my weight loss, my family is starting to notice. Today my mum said to me "You better not be getting anorexia [insert name here], or you will be in big trouble!" Ummmm Big trouble???? How old am I  8 years old? She is such an idiot, why would you say that to someone if you suspected they had anorexia that would just make them even more paranoid about hiding it.
Does she not realise that half of my problems are because of her?
And this is the first of many many family issues I have.

My mum is a spoilt brat. You know those people that are hypochondriacs and they get on your nerves, she is one of them. If I say I have a headache she will say 'me too' if I say I hurt my back she will say 'yer my back has been playing up lately too' SHE ALWAYS HAS TO FUCKING INVOLVE HERSELF, IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE ABOUT HER!

fuck. Thinking about it makes me so angry.

Anyway, believe in yourself and don't listen to what others say.
Be a go-getter, if you want something go get it.


Nikki

:) :)

I am actually happy, I have stayed the same weight as I was this morning and it is night time. Nothing spectacular but it's better than a gain hopefully tomorrow I will have lost a kg...fingers crossed!

I still have no followers, but if anyone is reading this, follow my blog!




Nikki xo xo

:)

So happy today,
I've had 2 bottles of water and about half a cup of porridge, so proud of myself.

For dinner tonight I am going to have carrot sticks with salsa. Which should bring my calorie intake to only about 300 cals for the whole day.

When I am done I want to look like her.

Stay thin!

Nikki
xx