First for everything...

Just took my first two laxatives ever. I've always been scared shitless don't know why but I just didn't have the balls. It tasted like shit I wanted to throw up but thin is more than anything to me now. I need it and I've been going so well. It's weird...

I don't deserve to be happy.
 I mustn't deserve to have friends, or be pretty, or smart, or motivated.
I don't deserve to be noticed..HA wait no one does anyway.
Except for the people on the street who stare at my thighs...because they are fucking fat thunder thighs.
49.4kg this morning and I didn't do anything about it today.

I hope tomorrow is better.

fuck them all

Fuck girls they are fucking bitches.
Get me the fuck out of this hell hole. Where is the nearest gun/knife/razor whatever I can get my hands on to end it.
I want to be done.

I'm sick of purging, sick of my throat being raw, sick of the endless acid, i'm just sick of this.
I look in the mirror and there I am...the person I don't want to be.
The chubby, ugly girl who looks 8 years younger than she is.

Whilst everyone around her is going out and having fun she is caving in, she was never an emotional eater but is becoming one.

I look back only just over a year ago and think how happy I was with my body. I knew I wasn't as skinny as my friends but it didn't bother me. I had personality, confidence, popularity and friends but now I have nothing except lumps of fat, dry skin, thin hair, and cellulite.

How do you deal with being the one everyone loved to the one everybody rejected.

It hurts.

TOMORROW

Is the day...I'm back...I'm fucking back for good.
Gym at 5:15am till 6:30am then Gloria Jeans for a coffee then to the library.
By Sunday I want to be 48 kg or under.
I know I'm that fucking heavy, I'm lost without my ED I need it, it's like my second boyfriend except it always comes first.

If anyone wants a buddy let me know..I love to chat!

xxxxxx