I haven't really been posting, mainly because noone reads my blog anymore but I'm losing weight..not sure how much because I don't have scales but my hands are going blue, clothes are loose, cold 24/7, depressed 24/7, lonely 24/7.

Life is harder than death, which do I choose. I have moments where I wish I could just fuck it all off, eat normally, think normally but as soon as I get those moments the niggling voice comes back and tells me that I'm stupid and if I ever want to be pretty I have to be skinny and I run back to my unhealthy ways. Living by myself at the moment.

I can't even write right now..my mind just isn't working. I have so much anxiety and I need to do my uni work which isn't helping. I'm failing at everything, I need to be skinny, smart, pretty, beautiful, succesful, perfect, funny, witty but I'm just not what I need to be. I need perfection right now, I need it so badly.

I just want to curl into a ball and not wake up because the way things are it's all getting too much for me to handle.

Day 3: 300

Day 3: 300

Today is going to be hard I think, my grandpa's funeral.
The sadness didn't hit until 2:00am this morning, anxiety had taken over..I stood in the kitchen for 4 hours baking quiches, slices, cakes, cupcakes..anything to calm me down.
I couldn't even have a bite of anything I made..my stomach was in knots.

I am leaving in half an hour for my grandpa's funeral, I miss him already- when everyone used to give me a hard time about eating and try force me to eat he was the ONLY ONE who stuck up for me and told everyone to give me a break.

I have 300 calories to eat today and I'm trying to work out if it will be hard or not..on one hand it will be because there is going to be so much food but then you know how when your sad you get that sick can't eat feeling in your stomach.

Who knows.

Nikki xxx

Day 2: 500

Day 2: 500

I'm at 450 calories today and it's 7:25pm not too good. Although I did eat dinner- steamed veges and 1/4 cup of blueberries for dessert.

Gym soon then to bed, then to my Grandpa's funeral tomorrow.

Nikki xxx

Day 1: 500

Day 1 ABC diet: Success
Can't be bothered writing what I ate but it was roughly 450 calories- about 200 calories I burnt at the gym.

So 250 calories for today.

Bring on tomorrow.


Day 2: 500 calories.

Today I was hungry, and today I stayed hungry.

15 grams of oats with 1/3 cup water and 60 grams blueberries

1 small skim cap

Nearly gave in to buying something at Uni but then I thought to myself, how will I ever be perfect if I give in to everything that I want. Today is the day that I said No  to my stomach and Yes to perfection.

Today is the day that it changes, it's a Tuesday except I wish it was a Monday because everything has to be fresh and new but I'm allowing myself to break this rule once for my own sake of perfection. 

I will focus on this Uni assignment that is due and I will finish it and when I finish it I can eat. So to my Uni assignment I have 1300 words to go plus a bibliography. I can do it, I know I can...no food only water and green tea.

I just need to get through this 1st day of restricting to remember what it feels like to be hungry because I miss that feeling. 

I'm just rambling I know....my mind is thinking about a million different things right now.

I need perfection.

Nikki xoxo