I don't know why but I swear when I do exercise I put on weight and when I don't I lose it.

Tonight I weighed myself and I was 49kg..what the fuckkkk, probaly because my dad forced me to eat dinner (chinese) and said that I'm developing a 'mental illness'. I got freaked out and denied but had to prove that I did eat. Which ruined my whole day. All I had was half a piece of wholemeal bread and a poached egg.

My 40 kg goal is looking so out of reach atm, I'm so depressed and whilst sitting here typing I can feel my stomach rolls bulging over my pants. I want to vomit just at the thought of it...not to mention how sick I feel from all the dinner I ate.

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am

Nikki

xx

Failure

I binged, after eating healthy all day, I fucking binged. Got into the shower and purged, I had pins and needles but it felt good at least I liked something about myself.

I got a thrill out of the dizziness when I tried to get up and realised what I had been missing the past few days.

So after failing miserably the past few days, I think I'm really ready this time, I'm ready to bring back the old me the skinny me the NEW me.

THIS IS ME NOW


Disgusting really isn't it.
How someone can let themselves go.

I got called 'disgustingly skinny' by one of my friends..thing is she is skinnier than me..I am just disgustingly fat.

So far so good.

So far so good, it's only the morning but I have been pretty healthy :)

I went for a 20 minute run, yes I know not a long time but it was better than nothing. I had a small bowl of porridge with some frozen berries and a green tea for breakfast.

For school today I have some low cal jelly (14 calories) and about half a cup of low cal soup (50 cals) and maybe if I want to treat myself I will get a skim cappuccino :)

Planning to go for another run this afternoon and then only eat 100 calories tonight, totalling about 400  calories for today.

I wish I could get lower than 400 cal.

Tell me dear reader, how many calories do you aim for a day?


Nikki xx

hate.

Today I was meant to be fasting what a joke that was. Last night I got completely trashed at my friends 18th went to McDonalds at 3am got a chicken burger and shoved it all in my mouth then went to bed. Woke up feeling like crap but still didn't stop me from eating.

Tomorrow I will start my fast just for a day, and I'm about to go do some exercise which I am in great need of.

Be back soon


Nikki xx

Day 1: Of my blog at least

It is 12:15am, Sydney, Australia.

Sleeping seems to be the last thing on my mind but 'thin' is the first. I've contemplated whether it's worth it...and every time there is only one clear, concise answer to my problem.
I don't need food, I don't need friends, all I need is Ana- she is enough for me. 




Take my hand my lovelies, I will inspire you all.

Nikki